POINT 3: THAT. ALL THAT STUFF I JUST SAID.
But who was this man, Blanning? According to friends, he was “a wild ladies’ man,” “a known swindler,
” and the disgruntled head of a mining company that had seen its revenue dwindle as Aspen became more of a resort town.
Imagine him, sitting in his lair, becoming more and more bitter as he watches flocks of tourists wander around Aspen on his series of town-wide hidden surveillance cameras. Is it any wonder he turned on the people who drove him to poverty? To unemployment? To swindling
They took everything from him, and he was about to take something back.
POINT 4: HE HAD THE EXACT MOTIVES OF A SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN.
According to police, Blanning shot himself to death soon after his plot was foiled. Thus, the denizens of Aspen are safe once again, secure in the knowledge that a troubled man will trouble them no longer.
Or is that just what he wants
us to think?
POINT 5: THAT IS JUST WHAT HE WANTS US TO THINK!
According to my own sources, the “body” police found in Blanning’s cabin was so mangled it is nearly impossible to determine its true identity. My guess: a loyal henchman, sacrificing his life so Blanning could make his escape. This theory is corroborated by a mysterious set of tracks leading to the stream by Blanning’s house and the absence of his favorite canoe.
All this, only a week after
a guy dressed as Santa shot a bunch of people
at a Christmas party with guns and a flamethrower hidden in Christmas packages, then set up his car so that anyone who tried to pick up the note he left on the seat would trigger a massive explosion. Then he too killed himself, and also burned himself alive for good measure. It's either an astounding coincidence, the beginnings of a global conspiracy, or else the world is a much sadder place than I'm willing to admit.
That's why, as much as I’d like to believe that this asshole (who shot, among others, the little girl that happened to answer the door for Santa Clause) ate a bullet after his flesh was slowly charred from his body, my gut is telling me that either Blanning’s finally unlocked the secret of the Time Crystals (what did you think he was mining for all those years?), or we’ve got some sort of holiday-themed Legion of Doom on our hands. Except instead of harmlessly taking time out of Superman’s day, these guys are genuinely killing people in grotesque ways.
I say we get a group of superheroes together before Valentine’s Day rolls around and we’ve got to deal with chocolate hearts filled with acid and man-sized Cupids with explosives-tipped arrows.
If you, like me, want to help save the world from the clearly impending danger of fucking lunatics, please sign up for the