what town you were born in; the second you show up on CSPAN wearing TV-makeup and expensive clothing, you've officially abandoned your right to call yourself the "Joe Sixpack Candidate."

"This might be a shovel. Isn't that blue collar? I just dig holes, like, all day. "

Oh, and let's talk about riding trains, since that's evidently an important factor in deciding who should lead our country. So, Biden rides trains to get from Point A to Point B. Great. But, if Point A is the floor of the Senate and Point B is an interview with Larry King, it doesn't matter what you take to get there. If you load up a shopping cart with some kitchen appliance and push it around your mansion, does that mean you're in touch with homeless people? So, when you take a train—and then use it as a talking point—all it means is that you're aware of just one superficial aspect of blue collar life. Folks, I am not Joe Biden or Sarah Palin. I am Joe Sixpack. That is, legally, my name. My dad made me change it when I crashed his car. Something about not deserving the family name. I don't quite remember. I was pretty blitzed. But ask yourself this: do you want a down-to-earth candidate, or do you want some rich, out-of-touch yuppy who does a good job at feigning down-to-earthness? If it's the second one, you've got two options there. If it's the first one, vote for me. I'm Joe Sixpack. I work hard. I eat lunch and whistle at women who walk by. I take the train if I can afford it, but mostly I just wander around. I drink cheap beer out of an empty Jelly jar and I scream at my television when a black quarterback makes a mistakes. I gamble on dog fights. I might have a kid somewhere. Sometimes I just like to get drunk on a set of stairs and put on a hat I found. I'm just like you.

I'm aware that my running mate also said he's running for president, and I'm cool with that. We're both kinda running for president, I guess.

"We're both kinda running for president, I guess."

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