no one will touch my money. Not a God Damn cent. The other issues, as well as your money, aren't really concerns of mine. I only really get inspired to raise my voice when someone is indirectly suggesting that I should have less money than I think I should, which is to say, "assloads."

"I'd like to see you try to take my money, banker from Deal or No Deal"

Joe Sixpack

Hey, I'm Joe Sixpack, and I think I should be your president, I guess. I don't really think I'd be a good president, but according to the news, America wants "someone like Joe Sixpack" to be president, and I'm more Joe Sixpack than anyone I know, so I figured Hell, why not go with the real deal, you know? Got shit else to do. Anyway, ever since she got the nomination, Sarah Palin's been talking about how much she cares about Joe Sixpack, and everyone's calling her The Joe Sixpack Candidate. As a response, it turns out that Biden's pretty Sixpacky too, because he's from a small town in Pennsylvania and often rides on the train, or whatever. Basically, Sarah Palin and Joe Biden are two people who claim to be very in touch with blue-collar, hardworking "Joe Sixpack types." Hey, here's a thing. Let's play a little game. Let's say someone asked you to come up with a list of occupations that a blue-collar, hardworking "Joe Sixpack type" would have. I could come up with a few things. Carpenter. Construction Worker. Plumber, like my esteemed running mate, Joe. But you know what jobs wouldn't make that list? Governor and Senator. Laying rat traps is a blue collar job. Cleaning out gutters is. Building stuff, that too. Being in charge of Alaska is not. I don't care what town you were born in; the second you show up on CSPAN wearing TV-makeup and expensive clothing, you've officially abandoned your right to call yourself the "Joe Sixpack Candidate."

"This might be a shovel. Isn't that blue collar? I just dig holes, like, all day. "

Oh, and let's talk about riding trains, since that's evidently an important factor in deciding who should lead our country. So, Biden rides trains to get from Point A to Point B. Great. But, if Point A is the floor of the Senate and Point B is an interview with Larry King, it doesn't matter what you take to get there. If you load up a shopping cart with some kitchen appliance and push it around your mansion, does that mean you're in touch with homeless people? So, when you take a train—and then use it as a talking point—all it means is that you're aware of just one superficial aspect of blue collar life. Folks, I am not Joe Biden or Sarah Palin. I am Joe Sixpack. That is, legally, my name. My dad made me change it when I crashed his car. Something about not deserving the family name. I don't quite remember. I was pretty blitzed. But ask yourself this: do you want a down-to-earth candidate, or do you want some rich, out-of-touch yuppy who does a good job at feigning down-to-earthness? If it's the second one, you've got two options there. If it's the first one, vote for me. I'm Joe Sixpack. I work hard. I eat lunch and whistle at women who walk by. I take the train if I can afford it, but mostly I just wander around. I drink cheap beer out of an empty Jelly jar and I scream at my television when a black quarterback makes a mistakes. I gamble on dog fights. I might have a kid somewhere. Sometimes I just like to get drunk on a set of stairs and put on a hat I found. I'm just like you.

I'm aware that my running mate also said he's running for president, and I'm cool with that. We're both kinda running for president, I guess.

"We're both kinda running for president, I guess."

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