Now, if you're thinking, "That's cool I guess, but I don't really fuck with lists," then good news, Mr. President! We're lousy with other options, and those trademark Obama F-bombs are welcome across our wide spectrum of content! Are you sitting on a Naruto fan theory you and Michelle hashed out late one night? We want to hear it! Want to talk about something short and topical, like how every POTUS in the last 20 years has been accused of being Satan? Take a shot at our Quick Fix articles. We even dabble in actual journalism with our Personal Experience articles, so even if you don't want to write at all but have a fascinating story to tell about your life (nothing is really jumping out to me as an example -- maybe something about being Malia's dad?), we'll help you write it and pay you for the opportunity. All you have to do is pitch it.
And yet, as simple as that sounds, I know firsthand how hard that first step can be. I have been exactly where you are right now, Mr. President. We are the same. In fact, just about everyone as full-time staff at Cracked started with a single pitch in the Cracked Workshop and gradually moved their way up to columnists, then editors, and then to that sweet power slot: middle management. So don't think for a second that you aren't good enough for Cracked. That's a defeatist attitude based on a version of rejection you manufactured in your own mind to scare yourself, sir. You have to learn to put yourself out there and really go for the things, because if you believe you can do it, there isn't a job out there you can't have.
This could be us.