First off, I'm sorry you're getting fired. If this is news to you, I'm doubly sorry for being the bad news bearer. It's never easy to lose a job, especially one where you put in eight hard years filled with sabotaging co-workers, impossible-to-please customers, and the final indignity of spending 12 months helping to hire your replacement. Still, I hope that now that it's almost over, you remember that not every work environment is as toxic. Some are downright enjoyable! And given the free time with which you will soon be oozing, I make a humble proposition: President Obama, come write for Cracked. Come on.
You're nervous, I understand. Each of our articles are read by hundreds of thousands of people, sometimes millions, which can really rattle a newbie. But let me assure you that you are neither overqualified nor underqualified, because Cracked has no use for qualifiers in our hiring process. (Or in our writing. They make your declarations look weak. Tell your speech writers!) We've had runaway hit articles from high schoolers and college professors alike, and every single one of them came to Cracked through the same door in our Comedy Workshop. There is no age limit, and you don't have to be U.S. native or even a citizen to write for Cracked -- which, I want to note, I believe you, but I'm throwing it out there just in case.
Clicking on him isn't a trap. I swear.
Now, if you're thinking, "That's cool I guess, but I don't really fuck with lists," then good news, Mr. President! We're lousy with other options, and those trademark Obama F-bombs are welcome across our wide spectrum of content! Are you sitting on a Naruto fan theory you and Michelle hashed out late one night? We want to hear it! Want to talk about something short and topical, like how every POTUS in the last 20 years has been accused of being Satan? Take a shot at our Quick Fix articles. We even dabble in actual journalism with our Personal Experience articles, so even if you don't want to write at all but have a fascinating story to tell about your life (nothing is really jumping out to me as an example -- maybe something about being Malia's dad?), we'll help you write it and pay you for the opportunity. All you have to do is pitch it.
And yet, as simple as that sounds, I know firsthand how hard that first step can be. I have been exactly where you are right now, Mr. President. We are the same. In fact, just about everyone as full-time staff at Cracked started with a single pitch in the Cracked Workshop and gradually moved their way up to columnists, then editors, and then to that sweet power slot: middle management. So don't think for a second that you aren't good enough for Cracked. That's a defeatist attitude based on a version of rejection you manufactured in your own mind to scare yourself, sir. You have to learn to put yourself out there and really go for the things, because if you believe you can do it, there isn't a job out there you can't have.
This could be us.
I'm sensing you're still hesitant. "I'm glad you fucking believe in me, Soren, but what if ol' Barry doesn't even fucking believe in himself?" you're thinking. I see this all the time. Presidents of the United States of America say they want to write for Cracked, and then decide against it at the last minute because they're worried their idea isn't any good. It's a fragile, vulnerable moment, throwing your idea out there to complete strangers. But let me be perfectly clear, sir: Your worst idea is not a representation of your intelligence, sense of humor, or self-worth. We aren't expecting you to show up and be perfect on day one, because no one ever is. In fact, you will find the blows you suffer for pitching a terrible idea in our Workshop to be flimsy and open-handed at worst (most of us are designed for more stationary pursuits than corporal punishment).
Everyone who works on the site cut their teeth in The Workshop, so it's filled with smart, kind people who are all rooting for you to succeed. In fact, our Workshop is just a big message board where people can pitch ideas, brainstorm new content types, and celebrate one another's successes. I know it sounds crazy given the forums in which you usually hang out, sir, but ours are constructive and ego-less. No one will shit on your idea, no one will tell you to quit, and no one will tell you in detail how you should kill yourself, because the secret of Cracked is that your success is our success. The editors' only aim is to give you feedback that will help your pitch become the best version of itself, while never tearing you down in the process.
If that's not enough incentive, allow me to sweeten the deal. We don't just do articles, we also have a vast video library as well, and you can help write our most popular series, Cracked Interrupts:
Or if you'd rather never write another word, we also have weekly contests for photoshop specialists. Finally, even if you don't like any of these options and have an idea for a completely new kind of content, we're open to hearing it. I know how gung-ho you get about change. You will always get a byline on anything you make, and we pay you per article. How much you make and how famous you become is only limited by how much time you put into it. As long as you are passionate, respectful, and willing to learn along the way, there is no reason you couldn't be sitting right here in my seat a year from now (I'm writing this from the toilet).
I hope you'll consider working with us, Mr. President. I'll be looking for you in the The Workshop. Also, please tell Michelle hi from Soren Bowie -- a guy she doesn't know, but who respects her immensely and loves her earnestness and smile. She'll know what it means.
Oh, and for anyone else who happens to read this letter, all of this also applies to you. Come join us!
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.