I'm sensing you're still hesitant. "I'm glad you fucking believe in me, Soren, but what if ol' Barry doesn't even fucking believe in himself?" you're thinking. I see this all the time. Presidents of the United States of America say they want to write for Cracked, and then decide against it at the last minute because they're worried their idea isn't any good. It's a fragile, vulnerable moment, throwing your idea out there to complete strangers. But let me be perfectly clear, sir: Your worst idea is not a representation of your intelligence, sense of humor, or self-worth. We aren't expecting you to show up and be perfect on day one, because no one ever is. In fact, you will find the blows you suffer for pitching a terrible idea in our Workshop to be flimsy and open-handed at worst (most of us are designed for more stationary pursuits than corporal punishment).
Everyone who works on the site cut their teeth in The Workshop, so it's filled with smart, kind people who are all rooting for you to succeed. In fact, our Workshop is just a big message board where people can pitch ideas, brainstorm new content types, and celebrate one another's successes. I know it sounds crazy given the forums in which you usually hang out, sir, but ours are constructive and ego-less. No one will shit on your idea, no one will tell you to quit, and no one will tell you in detail how you should kill yourself, because the secret of Cracked is that your success is our success. The editors' only aim is to give you feedback that will help your pitch become the best version of itself, while never tearing you down in the process.
If that's not enough incentive, allow me to sweeten the deal. We don't just do articles, we also have a vast video library as well, and you can help write our most popular series, Cracked Interrupts:
Or if you'd rather never write another word, we also have weekly contests for photoshop specialists. Finally, even if you don't like any of these options and have an idea for a completely new kind of content, we're open to hearing it. I know how gung-ho you get about change. You will always get a byline on anything you make, and we pay you per article. How much you make and how famous you become is only limited by how much time you put into it. As long as you are passionate, respectful, and willing to learn along the way, there is no reason you couldn't be sitting right here in my seat a year from now (I'm writing this from the toilet).
I hope you'll consider working with us, Mr. President. I'll be looking for you in the The Workshop. Also, please tell Michelle hi from Soren Bowie -- a guy she doesn't know, but who respects her immensely and loves her earnestness and smile. She'll know what it means.
Oh, and for anyone else who happens to read this letter, all of this also applies to you. Come join us!
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