A notorious recluse, Caps Lock agreed to meet with me at his ranch in New Mexico. Spread over 2800 acres, this is Caps Lock's refuge from the prying eyes of the world. Thanks to the licensing fees obtained from the production of millions of keyboards a year, Forbes estimated Caps Lock is worth an estimated $550 million, invested primarily in his property, as well as a 30% stake in Capitol Records.
CAPS LOCK: Right. But if people are using me inappropriately, the fault for that shouldn't lie with me, should it? CRACKED: Well we do restrict gun ownership somewhat. And the right to drive a car. CAPS LOCK: Sure, but those are potentially lethal. I've never killed anyone. CRACKED: What about the CIA? CAPS LOCK: What about the CIA...oh I get it. CRACKED: Also the AIDS. CAPS LOCK: Yeah, ok. I get it. CRACKED: And DEEP FISTING. CAPS LOCK: You just made that up. CRACKED: No, it was a project started by DARPA in the 80's. We had reached the part of the interview where I was about to get slapped. Broaching this threshold is a key part in every interview, as it ensures the interviewee's emotions are raw, and that they're ready to provide more telling answers. I pressed onward. CRACKED: What do you perceive the use for you is in this modern age? Do people still need to type entirely in capital letters? CAPS LOCK: Some do, yes! Engineers and architects often have to use capital letters when applying labels to technical drawings. And programmers often need capitalization when coding. And anyone working in data entry will have used me extensively and responsibly. CRACKED: But aren't most of those people nerds? They'll be able to remap key settings to get that kind of functionality. But us regular, non-technical folk can get by without you, surely? CAPS LOCK: What about screenwriters? Names and important props are often capitalized in conventional script formats. One of my proudest accomplishments was how I formatted the stage directions for the
The shooting script for Bad Boys 2 made fantastic use of capital lettersCaps Lock turned away from me, his eyes watering. A phlegmy noise, as he sucked back on his now running nose. CAPS LOCK: I'm sorry. It just gets to me, you know? All the constant criticism. The hate mail I get. It would make your blood curdle. Death threats written entirely in lower case. Dolls with their eyes replaced with smashed caps locks keys. There's one video on Youtube of this guy slowly lowering his balls onto me again and again. It has 18 million views.