Caps Lock flashed a winning smile. I could tell right there that this Caps Lock key was an O.K. guy. With a nod he turned and led me into his home, giving me a brief tour of the place. Hanging on the walls were pictures of him with various media figures and power brokers. Barbara Bush. Johann Qwerty. The letter R. He showed me some photographs of himself playing with a group of inner city lower case letters. Eventually we sat down at his kitchen table and continued. CRACKED: Ok, let's get down to business. You've heard of course the news that Google is planning on releasing a computer without a Caps Lock key. Does this impending banishment concern you? CAPS LOCK: Well, it's only one keyboard so far, so I'm not too concerned, no. CRACKED: You're not worried that this is the start of a trend? Quite a few online commentators have been saying some pretty unkind things about you. CAPS LOCK: Well sure, but you know as well as anyone that you don't have to clear a very high bar to write things on the Internet. CRACKED: I see what you did there. CAPS LOCK: Besides, the way I see it, I think a lot of people aren't upset at me, they're upset at the way I've been used. CRACKED: You mean like how people mashing keys with their ham hands in various chatrooms, shouting their opinions on Buffy to each other?

CAPS LOCK: Right. But if people are using me inappropriately, the fault for that shouldn't lie with me, should it? CRACKED: Well we do restrict gun ownership somewhat. And the right to drive a car. CAPS LOCK: Sure, but those are potentially lethal. I've never killed anyone. CRACKED: What about the CIA? CAPS LOCK: What about the CIA...oh I get it. CRACKED: Also the AIDS. CAPS LOCK: Yeah, ok. I get it. CRACKED: And DEEP FISTING. CAPS LOCK: You just made that up. CRACKED: No, it was a project started by DARPA in the 80's. We had reached the part of the interview where I was about to get slapped. Broaching this threshold is a key part in every interview, as it ensures the interviewee's emotions are raw, and that they're ready to provide more telling answers. I pressed onward. CRACKED: What do you perceive the use for you is in this modern age? Do people still need to type entirely in capital letters? CAPS LOCK: Some do, yes! Engineers and architects often have to use capital letters when applying labels to technical drawings. And programmers often need capitalization when coding. And anyone working in data entry will have used me extensively and responsibly. CRACKED: But aren't most of those people nerds? They'll be able to remap key settings to get that kind of functionality. But us regular, non-technical folk can get by without you, surely? CAPS LOCK: What about screenwriters? Names and important props are often capitalized in conventional script formats. One of my proudest accomplishments was how I formatted the stage directions for the