And so, as if the presidency wasn't health-damaging enough, Trump's daily leadership begins with a fierce declaration of war against his coronary artery.
9:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.: Boring President Stuff
While the exact time varies from president to president, at some point they're required to actually sit down in the Oval Office and do work. Big Bush started at 7:00 a.m., Baby Bush at 7:30 a.m., Busy Barry got in around 8:30 a.m., and Cocksmith Clinton at 9:15 a.m.. According to a few accounts, Trump enters his oblong cubicle at 10 a.m. after attending breakfast events or meetings.
Once there he spends a brief moment defiantly ignoring his single-page Presidential Daily Briefing because he's "a smart person." Then he signs one of the many nightmare-inducing executive orders we've been hearing about -- often on the most ironic day imaginable. This includes reviving the Keystone Pipeline within hours of several oil spills, and enacting a ban of immigrants on Holocaust Remembrance Day.
Noon - 1 p.m.: Luuuuuunch Tiiiiiiime!
According to his schedule, Trump eats lunch with Vice President Mike Pence.
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images
"I have the flavorless nutrition pellets with a glass of milk."
Yeah, that's gotta be a real fuckin' blast.
1:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.: Mostly Raw Anger
Having previously boasted about his severe love of McDonald's and other fast food -- it's safe to say that our post-lunch president is now tits-full of Big Mac. #PresidentTitsMac
Going by my best research, the block between 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. appears to be rather miscellaneous for presidents. Bush Sr, for example, spent a 1992 afternoon doing a few hours of administrative work before meeting with the Commission On Environmental Quality. Clinton took several meetings, made various phone calls, and uh ... had other office interactions.
And while Trump has used this time to meet with union leaders and perform "new hire" busy work, so far the majority has been spent obsessively attacking the media.
According to President Big Boss himself, he watches Sean Spicer's afternoon press conferences alongside chief racist Stephen Bannon. So going by this, and the insider reports of white hot rage he extruded about his inaugural numbers, I'm guessing that a lot of Trump's post-lunch hours will be spent wasting office resources to "set the record straight" about various grievances with the press. For after a shitty night's sleep, potato chip breakfast, and anger-hoarding CNN session, it seems logical that the early afternoon would be the threshold of Trump's wheezing fury. Especially when the man is being denied the comfort of his own bed and fucking hates naps.
"Naps exist because immigrants are stealing actual sleep hours from real Americans. Tired. Sad."