My experience runs deep. For some time I've been a major asset in every key industry, working with all the top players. But there's a reason I'm no longer consulting for those places, and that reason is none of your concern. All you need to know is that in the places I've worked, I have very rarely done more harm than good. Anyway, I prefer not to dwell on the past. Instead, I look to the future, because the future is not written. It's full of opportunity and yet to be documented in some big FBI file. My five-year plan includes running this business and, eventually, reading subpar cover letters to my staff with a knowing look on my face. My 10-year plan centers on a private space station.
How will I accomplish all this? Hard work, dedication, and above all, $killz. For example, if you've reached this point, you already know that my written communication proficiency is off the charts bazonkers. Writing is my art, except for when I'm painting or sculpting.
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Written communication is just the start. I'm a well-rounded executive. Organization, operations, inspiration, leadership -- anyone can do that. What you need is someone with the hard skills to make a real difference and, when called for, pay the billz. That's me. It would be quicker to list the skills I don't have, which is exactly what I did in my resume (attached).
But let's stop being coy. The question on everyone's mind in these situations is, inevitably, "Will this guy make big money for our company?" The answer is an unequivocal yes. I have a two-point plan based on the "spend money to make money" principle. No one spends money like I do, so it follows that we will be making tons of money together in short order. My spending habits are well-documented through voice mails from creditors, my curious lack of legitimate bank statements, and my angry friends and in-laws, all available on request.
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Keeping good records is keeping good business.
I also know an awful lot about ants -- their foraging habits, breeding behavior, and basic social order. $100 that I don't have says your company doesn't already have a guy like that. Does it seem like you have no use for a person who knows an awful lot about ants? Well, it's good that I'm here to remind you that ants are everywhere. Even at LightningFist Unlimited.