After all three presidential debates were said and done, it was evident to the public that Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump is being controlled by giant brain-eating parasites that live inside of his body, laying eggs day and night, making a warm and beautiful nesting ground for their parasite babies. At a recent press conference, held at a Trump resort decorated in the style of a garish African warlord, the giant brain-eating parasites publicly apologized (through frequencies that could only be captured by that machine used to translate the aliens from Mars Attacks) while peeking out of the lifeless body of Mr. Trump. We here at Cracked are now publicly releasing the transcript of their address to America.
Hundreds of people gather in the middle of the desert. Midday. Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump stands at the head of a podium, surrounded by bodyguards. He appears lifeless, translucent and wet, his eyes rolled back, hands at his side and his mouth open, revealing the head of a giant worm surrounded by tinier little worms. Giuliani and Pence at his side, looking the same, but without the excuse of an infestation of parasitic worms.
PARASITIC WORMS: People of Earth, hello. We, the giant brain-eating parasites, would like to publicly apologize for taking over the body of Donald J. Trump. What started out as an innocent vacation away from our home turned, literally, into an orgy of fun -- fun which we regret and could never take back. [Audience politely chuckles.] We first entered Donald in 2007, through a poorly cooked piece of Trump Steak -- Trump Steaks are the origin country of our people -- where we were conceived. And for that, we thank Donald. Please buy Trump Steaks.
Worms shuffle in Trump's body. He is visibly uncomfortable. Audience laughs and claps.
PARASITIC WORMS: When we first nested inside of Donald, it was all innocent fun -- pressing various lobes, allowing our children to occasionally nibble on his brain tissue, and having lots of parasitic worm sex wherever we could, leaving trails of parasite semen all over the place. 2007 was a crazy time, and I guess we never left because we ... we fell in love.
One of the guards sobs silently. He is patted on the back by other guards, and quickly stands up sniffling. Giuliani is seen on the verge of tears -- or maybe it's from all the dead-eyed staring. Trump's little hands form into even littler fists.
"How did I lose to this guy?"
PARASITIC WORMS: Donald's body was like not like other hosts. It was warm and tender, and highly functioning, even when we ate well past the point of serious brain damage.
Donald's wet, lifeless body shuffles as the worms move around in his guts. A single tear rolls down his cheek, not unlike that of his pal, Giuliani. He is mouthing something that appears like "WELP MEHHH."
PARASITIC WORMS: People of Earth, we did not know. We did not know that our innocent, parasitic nesting would lead him to the mistakes he has made now, and for that we apologize.
When Donald said, "I don't know anything about David Duke. Okay? I don't know anything about what you're even talking about with white supremacy or white supremacists," after being endorsed by former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan David Duke, well, he REALLY meant it. By that time, we had been partying in his temporal lobe for three months, accidentally erasing his knowledge about, well, everything. We sincerely apologize for this.
All Klan members look like the mechanic who'd fix your Pontiac Firebird's transmission in 1978.
When Trump indirectly told supporters to shoot Hillary Clinton, that was us. The day before that comment was made, we saw all of Quentin Tarantino's films back to back, made Donald dress up as a baby with a gun, shit himself, and then shoot the dirty diaper. What we were trying to say was, "Buy a gun, and use it when you dress like a baby in the privacy of your home," but we got nervous about letting people know about our kinks, so ... we said something else. It's just ... you say weird things to fill the empty space when you're put on the spot, ya'know? Anyway, sorry about that.
When Trump publicly announced that he would never lie to you, and days later claimed that he MIGHT lie to you, that was us. We saw an opportunity to stretch parts of his brain out to build a worm roller coaster called "Senseless." It's become a hit, and now we are profiting much more than our projected revenue estimates. Now we're looking to build a second ride, perhaps somewhere in his esophagus. We see now that our entertainment made for confusion and anger. For this, we are sorry.
When Donald heartlessly kicked out a crying baby at a rally, that again was us. The purity of a child is enough to disinfect a host from a swarm of parasitic worms from a mile away, once we heard its cry, we began to weaken, and we didn't want to take a chance on that. So naturally, we used our smaller worm children to move his lips apart, and squirmed through his vocal chords so he could send that child away. We look back on this with regret, and apologize for silencing that disgusting child.
Joe Mahoney/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Though we do find it eerie that Donald and babies are often indistinguishable from each other in both temperament and intellect."
When Trump claimed that "You can do anything to women" when you're a star, that was ... not us. We had nothing to do with that comment. He literally caught us sleeping with that one. And we will say that again: We, the parasitic worms nesting and growing inside of Donald J. Trump, had nothing to do with that or Donald's history of sexual assault. We are for the most part asexual, until it comes to Ivanka. Oh baby, we can't keep our wormy hands off of her ... Oh yeaaahh, oh babyyy, yeah hawww yeah. Ahem, we ... apologize for that outburst. Kind of.
When Donald mocked NFL players who suffer brain-damaging concussions by saying, "Concussions -- Oh, oh! Got a little ding on the head. No, no, you can't play for the rest of the season" that was obviously us. At an inopportune moment, we became frustrated with the degree of damage his brain had sustained by the time we moved in. Imagine it like this: You spend a lot of money on a brand-new house, only to discover that it's falling apart and hates women.
Look, we know we messed up. But honestly, science is learning a lot from our actions. Because of us, you now know that if you put enough pressure on this particular lobe, a human male will publicly fondle his own daughter. We did that. We gave you that knowledge, and for that, we offer no apologies. We also will not apologize for this.
The worms make Donald kneel on all fours with his mouth open, tears streaming down his cheeks. He is shaking. They heft Donald off his knees and make him straighten his suit.
PARASITIC WORMS: To quote our mother parasite, "We've already come this far, let us make nesting great again" to which we say "WOOOO." We've come so far in the last nine years of nesting in Donald's body, where we have the power now to move him however and whenever we want, and we don't know if we want to give that power up. [Audience laughs.] No, really. We really mean it. [Audience shuffles.] With that, we would like to offer our condolences, and give you peace of mind. Donald J. Trump is almost fully under our control, besides the pussy-grabbing comments -- we don't really know where that's coming from. Everything else is pretty much just us trying to have a good time. So take it easy on him, okay? And please buy all remaining Trump Steaks for consumption, thank you. We have about a trillion cousins looking for a home.
The Sharper Image
It's really just chunks of wombat meat glued to rat bones.
The worms make Donald strip naked so that you can see them moving around happily beneath his flesh. They move in and out of his body, eventually making Donald slither away against his will. Giuliani and Pence hold back what are maybe tears, but probably just escaping moisture, and they shamble away.
For more insane Trump secrets check out 8 Less Known Trump Stories That'd Derail Any Other Campaign and find out how we all got into this nightmare mess in How Half Of America Lost Its F**king Mind.
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