PARASITIC WORMS: Donald's body was like not like other hosts. It was warm and tender, and highly functioning, even when we ate well past the point of serious brain damage.
Donald's wet, lifeless body shuffles as the worms move around in his guts. A single tear rolls down his cheek, not unlike that of his pal, Giuliani. He is mouthing something that appears like "WELP MEHHH."
PARASITIC WORMS: People of Earth, we did not know. We did not know that our innocent, parasitic nesting would lead him to the mistakes he has made now, and for that we apologize.
When Donald said, "I don't know anything about David Duke. Okay? I don't know anything about what you're even talking about with white supremacy or white supremacists," after being endorsed by former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan David Duke, well, he REALLY meant it. By that time, we had been partying in his temporal lobe for three months, accidentally erasing his knowledge about, well, everything. We sincerely apologize for this.
All Klan members look like the mechanic who'd fix your Pontiac Firebird's transmission in 1978.
When Trump indirectly told supporters to shoot Hillary Clinton, that was us. The day before that comment was made, we saw all of Quentin Tarantino's films back to back, made Donald dress up as a baby with a gun, shit himself, and then shoot the dirty diaper. What we were trying to say was, "Buy a gun, and use it when you dress like a baby in the privacy of your home," but we got nervous about letting people know about our kinks, so ... we said something else. It's just ... you say weird things to fill the empty space when you're put on the spot, ya'know? Anyway, sorry about that.
When Trump publicly announced that he would never lie to you, and days later claimed that he MIGHT lie to you, that was us. We saw an opportunity to stretch parts of his brain out to build a worm roller coaster called "Senseless." It's become a hit, and now we are profiting much more than our projected revenue estimates. Now we're looking to build a second ride, perhaps somewhere in his esophagus. We see now that our entertainment made for confusion and anger. For this, we are sorry.
When Donald heartlessly kicked out a crying baby at a rally, that again was us. The purity of a child is enough to disinfect a host from a swarm of parasitic worms from a mile away, once we heard its cry, we began to weaken, and we didn't want to take a chance on that. So naturally, we used our smaller worm children to move his lips apart, and squirmed through his vocal chords so he could send that child away. We look back on this with regret, and apologize for silencing that disgusting child.
Joe Mahoney/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Though we do find it eerie that Donald and babies are often indistinguishable from each other in both temperament and intellect."