Listen, "sir," I know you think you're being clever.Â I know you think you're fooling me big time and it's only a matter of seconds before I approve this loan for you over the phone, but you need to know two things.Â One:Â That's not how banks operate.Â You need to come in and fill out a loan application and we will discuss it face to face.Â Which brings me to Two:Â You will never come in and show me your face because you are clearly just some kid messing around with your new Talkboy.
Yes, when you slow down the speed on the playback, your voice sounds lower.Â But it also sounds much slower, you dumb, dumb kid.Â Nobody talks that slow.Â Â Not stroke victims, not Snuffaluffagus, not even Molasses Man, and I just made that guy up.
I also can't help but notice that you have yet to respond to any of these allegations.Â I will assume that's because in order to respond, you have to cover up the phone, record your response, rewind it and then play it back into the receiver.Â And guess what?Â Regardless of pitch or speed, your voice is accompanied by what can only be described as "whirring" and "crackling."Â Almost like it's a cassette tape being played back on a device that came out in 1993.Â Or maybe you're just eating Pop Rocks next to a bee hive, I don't know.
No, wait.Â I do know.Â You're a kid and you're lame and you're wasting my time because apparently you just saw a movie that came out before you were even born.Â That's right.Â I'm not an idiot, and I've seen Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise. Nice try.
I'm hanging up now, because I have a real human job I need to do.Â Next time, try calling the early 90s.Â Or better yet, just stop and think for a second about how stupid you definitely are.
In other words: Â Use your brain, ya filthy animal.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.