Regularly-scheduled programming is over.Â Aside from a few cable shows like Mad Men and Futurama, we're going to have to wait several months for anything good or bad to be on again.Â In the meantime, here are a few of my own pitches to networks to tide us over during the summer.Â I'm sure they'll be an enormous success, given that they're all in the worst genres of television ever.
The Crappy SitcomThey still exist and they might exist forever.Â They tell you when to laugh and they feature a traditionally unattractive male comedian you'd never actually want to see in a sitcom (or life) opposite a traditionally attractive female actress you may or may not recognize as being a person.Â They are constantly mean to each other because their marriage is loveless, and they have useless non-character children.Â And don't forget The Unfunny Kramer.Â It's all because they think you're stupid and the problem is, a lot of people are stupid.Â They need to be told to laugh and they enjoy watching a 22-minute string of insults, followed by a lesson already learned by the audience.Â You know, from life.Â Or any other sitcom of the last 50 years. And that's fine.Â Watch what you want to watch.Â I'll even make it for you and it'll be everything you've always wanted:Â Garbage. Great theme song, though.
America's Got A Lot Of NerveCan't get enough of people telling other people how horrible they are at what they do?Â Want to see some freaks?Â Want to see some talented people do some pretty amazing things that will never actually lead to a career in that field because there's no one at Career Day trying to sell you the life of a guy who sings Rubik's Cube algorithms while whipping snakes at his dancing emu? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you've found America's favorite genre of television:Â shows about judging people.Â Awesome.Â Just like
The Really Crappy SitcomThis is just like The Crappy Sitcom, only it also involves real human feces.Â Every single line in the show is a literal turd that plops out of the mouth of some actor who's not even washed up, because they don't respect you enough to rinse their dick off before they rape the lulz out of your funny bone.Â And lucky us, there's a puke-faced kid who deserves a punch in the face less than he deserves a puke in the face right before a thorough punch in the fucking face.Â In the interest of
But, Oh-Em-Gee! How Will We Replace Lost?Whether you were satisfied with the finale or not (or even watched the show), ABC's Lost made a tremendous cultural impact.Â Since its first season, other networks have been trying their hardest to clone it.Â There are some shows with good bits here and there, but they all have basically the same result.Â Now that Lost is officially over, what will fill that gap? DOB has pitched his ideas for replacements and I would watch every single one of them.Â The problem is, most TV executives are misguided and don't know what would be hilariously awesome/terrible/awesome.Â What they do know is sequels.Â Spin-offs.Â The
A Reality Show About WhomeverI don't even want to take the time to discuss these "reality" shows, so I won't.Â They all might as well be this...
The RebirthThe rebirth is a fairly new concept.Â A show will be prematurely canceled and due to DVD sales or general interest, it will be brought back on the air, sometimes on a different network.Â Â
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.