Protecting a child molester -- Although rarely called, this strictly enforced penalty has been the ruin of many a Pennsylvania college. Penalization strips a team of its victories and gives opposing teams five decades' worth of rebuttal to its alumni, which, to be honest, takes its shit way too seriously to begin with. I mean, you're good at football, for Christ's sake. MIT doesn't possess Penn State's level of arrogance and they build killer robots and sentient viruses.
Sleeping with the ref's wife -- The league has a zero-tolerance policy on cuckoldry, unless he's into that sort of thing. The ump is allowed to watch but not interfere, lest he trigger the league's ultra-awkward fourth man penalty.
Hurray, Garay! -- This special rule grants a 5-yard gain for the Chargers once per game after the third time the opposing team fails to prevent Antonio Garay from being absofuckinglutely delightful. That man could make the devil titter involuntarily, although he has no effect on Skip Bayless. Who, again, is just the worst. If you offered a Vietnamese orphan the choice between life in a sweatshop or stroking his leathery cheek, she'd pick C) lighting herself on fire in protest.
Performance-Enhancing Drugs (PEDs)
Like all pro sports, football has suffered its fair share of banned substance scandals, including but not limited to: steroids, painkillers, stimulants, Kardashians, and delicious Nutella, which goes straight to your hips.
Of these, steroids are the most prevalent, because this is a game of strength and small testicles. Many brilliant careers have been cut short by steroids after having been made fantastic by steroids. The most prominent example is Lyle Alzado, who once cracked a man in twain to get at the tasty steroids within him. Alzado was what bricks imagine smashing when they work out. If you put him in a room with Bruce Banner and a nest of angry bees, an hour later you'd find Hulk meat on the walls and a hive that had abandoned honey for steroid production if they knew what was goddamn good for them.
Football draws all the usual criminal accusations you'd expect of the Visigoths -- or worse, Ben Roethlisberger. Oh, and the occasional dogfighting. Can you believe Michael Vick is working again? You know he strangled dogs, right? Fuck that guy in the face with an angry pit bull dick.
Football is a man's game -- in fact, a recent study found that as many as 100 percent of NFL players are men. Ladies, don't you like football? Here are some leagues that don't require a certain percentage of hair on the chest.
Canadian Football League -- Rules are generally the same, but there are only three downs and players apologize for tackling each other. Also, cross-checking is not allowed. In CFL play, a team may not have more than one moose in its defensive line unless the offense includes a bear.
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Derpy football is the second-most entertaining football.