Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,
Hello, Mrs. Salsano, this is Joseph Caruso, one of the new interns on Jersey Shore. I'm sorry to bother you, I know you've got a lot going on producing this and other wonderful MTV programs, but I'm a little worried about an ... issue, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I took a quick nap earlier today before the cast showed up and, when I woke up, something called a "Snooki" was in my bed. At first I thought someone hot-glued a snout to a moldy catcher's mitt, but then when I saw it moving around I thought it was a dachshund-Troll-doll hybrid or some kind of self-aware funnel cake made of cherry vodka. I took a picture of it for your records [attached]. I was going to press sexual harassment charges, but all she did was squeal at my genitals, which I don't think is technically illegal. At any rate, I'd be happy if this didn't happen again. If there's someone else I should talk to, let me know.
Intern, Jersey Shore