It's all right everyone. You can put down the torches, pitchforks, and Jew-nets; the baby Jesus has been found
Yes, the Florida Jesus taken from a community center last week has been recovered, thanks to the aid of a GPS device embedded deep within Him.
There are many reasons to celebrate: restored sanctity, the triumph of justice, and the sad irony that the thief was an eighteen year old girl who lived across the street and is now in jail on $3,500 bail for stealing a statue worth $1,200 ($800 for the statue, $400 for the GPS).
Clearly, this harsh, financially burdensome punishment of an innocent prank is, in the acronym of the Chosen, WJWD.
But one thing about this story troubles me, and it's something I think the
Palm Beach Post
has overlooked at their own peril. By implanting an electronic device into our Lord and Savior, these people have successfully created the world's first robotic Jesus
Crude, yes, but with a little imagination, one can see the horrifying consequences ten, twenty years down the line, when the Jesus-bots finally decide they've had enough and start hurling electrified crosses and stigmata-rays.
And to make matters worse, it was a baby
Jesus statue. And who's going to have the stones to gun down a baby? All you have to do is hesitate, and His laser eyes are on you.