Included Software

Windows 7 comes packaged with Internet Explorer 2.0, which I will admit to being a little disappointed with. It can render text and images however, which if you think about it, is probably the most important 40 percent of the Internet anyways.

The flying Window icon lets you know the Internet is working.

Set Up The Microsoft Network

Right in the desktop was a link to something called The Microsoft Network which the instruction manual promised would provide the unheard of ability to use chat rooms or check the weather. Unfortunately, the set up didn't seem to work--it evidently requires a phone line to work, and I don't actually have one of those. So be advised that to fully utilize Windows 7, and experience all of its weather checking glory, you'll require some pretty specialized telecom equipment.

Long File Names

While checking the manual, I noticed that it also promised that Windows 7 would be able to handle long file names. I honestly didn't know we were limited before, but I guess this isn't a bad thing.

Long file names.

My Briefcase

This is a little synchronization tool that lets you keep files in sync across multiple computers when transferring files by floppy. I don't have any other computers with a floppy drive, so couldn't test it out, but I guess this would be a useful tool for the Amish.

Start Button

The classic Windows Start button is back, and it works pretty much the same as youre used to. You click it, and a list of programs comes up in a branching menu. If you cant figure that out, no amount of Matthew Perry videos will help you.

Taskbar

The venerable old taskbar is back in Windows 7, looking a little retro, but otherwise in good shape. Definitely a If its not broke, don't fix it situation here. Curiously, the useful Quick Launch bar seems to have disappeared. I guess with limited room on the floppies, space had to be made for the popular Microsoft Fax.

Windows Explorer

I was very disappointed with this. The improvements made to the most recent version of Explorer were one of the bright points of the whole Vista debacle. The version on display here in Windows 7 is remarkably spartan, lacking many features users look for, like thumbnail previews or frequently used shortcuts. I think Microsoft definitely crapped the bed on this one.

Multitasking

I was very impressed here. To test performance, I ran a stress test consisting of a word document, two Internet Explorer windows and Minesweeper. Everything worked pretty smoothly.

Stability

Terrible. Possibly related to the previously mentioned hardware difficulties, I found stability to be a real issue with Windows 7. Crashes were frequent, including Blue Screens of Death. Error messages were cryptic and meaningless to me -- see below.

Overall

In general I was highly disappointed with Windows 7. Although performance has improved since Vista, major features appear to have been lopped off the OS to meet these performance marks. Additionally, the hardware incompatibility and stability issues that have long plagued Microsoft OS releases appear to back in full force. Unless you're one of those deviants who always has to have the latest OS, or have very specialized faxing needs, Id strongly recommend avoiding Windows 7 until at least the first Service Pack is released.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.