, and I know that everything else on this earth can be duplicated with a bevy of balsa wood and Duct Brand Taping Solutions). What I was not prepared for, however, was all of the pastel sweaters and the unnerving, unwavering smiles: This leadership seminar was at a church.
Church wouldn't be so creepy if they didn't all turn to look at you simultaneously. Also, the screaming. The screaming is unsettling.
"Welcome brothers in Christ," said a man that I decided looked like a Chaz or a Dean, "My name is Dean-" (I fucking knew it) "-and I'll be your leader for the next five days. But after that--the leaders are going to be you! Now, let's start off things with an introduction and a few facts about you. This is my partner Kelly, and she'll kick it off! Kick it, Kelly!"
, Dean!" Kelly replied sassily. There was appreciative laughter throughout the room, but I could see the secret hate she kept concealed. It bonded me to her. Kelly was a dark and shattered mistress yearning for control, but trapped forever behind the argyle shadow of Dean and his piano-key teeth.
"My name is Kelly," she continued, the suppressed torture oozing from her like poisonous ichors. "And I'm a licensed windsurfing instructor. I love to ski, hot cocoa and my personal hero--aside from Jesus Christ," she said, cocking her head adorably, no doubt to hide the sickening irony she felt, "is Kelly Ripa from
Live with Regis and Kelly
! She's so inspiring, and she's got a great first name! Tee hee!"
The rest of the introductions passed in a blur: Some dude skipped over for a promotion, a laid-off garbageman, a divorcee--honestly, I wasn't paying much attention, I was busy drowning in the shroud of lust that hung thick in the air, strung like a sexy clothesline between my eyes and Kelly's sultry, heaving breasts; the darkness within her heart barely concealed by... well, her breasts again. Wait. What were we talking about?
"Sir?" She asked. "Sir?"
"What?" I responded.
"Sir...you uh...it's your turn? For introductions?"
"Oh, right. I'm Robert," I said, extending my hand towards her chest, hoping she would she would shake it vigorously. "I'm only a little drunk now, and I got here on the bus."
"That's... great," she said, backing away--obviously perturbed by the surging sexual connection between us that was probably made clear by the erection I kept pointing at.
"We're going to do some roleplaying exercises," Chet or Dan or whatever said. "Who wants to go first?"
The woman in front of me started to raise her hand, but I quickly slapped it down and strode up to the staging area.
"OK, Robert! Good, let's have you be-" Chad or David or whatever started to say, but I cut him off.
"I got this one, Chuck -"
"Whatever. I'll be the school principal and Kelly, you can be the naughty student sent to-"
"It's not that kind of roleplaying, Robert," Kelly interjected, clearly hoping for some