"Someday I will eviscerate you."
Why would you design an animal like that? That seems inordinately cruel, even by Old Testament You standards. Right now, I'm letting them claw stuff and pee on each other out in the garden in the hopes that they will be eaten by hawks. That's on you. Given your infinite knowledge, however, I'm sure you're already aware, or are you too busy right now breaking promises to sick kids in hospitals to notice?
Incidentally, I now have to go back to a bunch of hospitals and tell cancer patients that, no, I can't hit home runs for each of them in my next league softball game. You and I both know I'm not a good enough hitter to fulfill that promise. When I tell them, it's going to be me watching their faces fall, not you; I have to wipe away those carcinogenic tears. That is, unless of course you could see your way clear of providing one tiny miracle for the sake of everyone, by killing each of them before the game. I think you owe me that much.
It would also help me save on gas.
And that right there is the worst part: You haven't promised any kind of recompense at all. Generally, when a band has to cancel a show, it makes some effort to compensate the fans. It reimburses everyone for tickets or plays a makeup performance. So imagine my shock over your unwillingness to reschedule the event, especially given your massive loyal following. In fact, all we've heard from you over the last few days has been silence. I can only assume that it was your intention all along to cancel doomsday and frankly, I'm disappointed with your strategy. You knew full well that most of the planet wasn't ready for a reckoning and that you could earn some admiration points by promising something awful and then reneging on it, essentially leaving everything exactly as it was and still coming out a hero. Well guess what? That trick only works once and New Coke already beat you to the punch about 25 years ago.
Apocalypse ca. 1985
All you've done is alienate the people who took you at your word, and you hurt your own credibility. I think you're going to find that we're a little more hesitant to believe you the next time you threaten a rapture. And because I can't trust you, that means the next time one of these rolls around I probably won't lie nearly as much to dying children or purchase animals on an impulse or any of the countless awesome things I did recently because your lies have effectively sucked all the fun out of the End of Days. I hope you're happy with yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of cleaning up to do.
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