Ghost of Christmas Past: I have come to offer you a chance to save yourself from the wretched path you are on.
Me: Nice, nice. Looking forward to it.
-The Ghost of Christmas Past squints at me funnily. The room shimmers, taking us somewhere else-
Me: Where are we?
Ghost of Christmas Past: This is your past, Bucholz. Look at yourself. What you're doing for your family. You were not always the selfish man you are now.
-Before us, a younger me takes Christmas presents from a large bag and sets them down underneath a tree. Indeed, it does look very heartwarming and generous-
Me: This looks heartwarming and generous as s**t, doesn't it?
-The gifts placed, Past Me then starts to fill the sack back up with the Christmas gifts that were already underneath the tree-
Ghost of Christmas Past: What is going on?
Me: If you just take the gifts, they notice right away. By leaving big, empty boxes, they won't notice until Christmas Day. It's funnier that way.
Ghost of Christmas Past: You're stealing from your own family?
Me: This isn't my house.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Holy s**t.
Me: This is how I paid for college.
Ghost of Christmas Past: That doesn't justify it at all.
Me: But what if I told you that "college" is what I called Ketamine.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Jesus.
I used the Ketamine to get through my day job, driving a school bus.