But, any glimpse into the future is a valuable opportunity, so when the Ghost of Christmas Future comes to visit you, be sure to keep an eye out for any sports almanacs or inventions you can steal and return to your time with.
-A deep chill descends over my lush and tastefully decorated apartment. The sinister form of the Ghost of Christmas Future appears before me-
Me: Egads! Yet another terrifying ghost!
Andy Crawford and Dave King/Dorling Kindersley/Getty Images
It's important to not roll your eyes. They're trying their best.
Ghost of Christmas Future: Silence, fool!
Me: Seriously, the chains are a nice touch. Or did you die in an S&M dungeon?
Ghost of Christmas Future: I am paying the price for my own misdeeds. A cruel fate, but one that pales beside what you are yourself bound for. Tremble!
-The room fades. We're standing at a funeral. No one is crying. Several people appear to be celebrating-
Me: This is my funeral, right? That's what you wanted to show me? That I'm so hated that people will be doing windmill, Top Gun-style high-fives at my funeral?
Ghost of Christmas Future: That doesn't alarm you? That you're so hated?
Me: Being loved doesn't do anyone much good once they're dead. -looks around- What year is this, anyways? Who won the Super Bowl last year?
Ghost of Christmas Future: Shut up. This is one year in the future.
Me: I die within a year? Hmmm.
Ghost of Christmas Future: Not so cavalier about it now, are you?
Me: I guess not. How do I die?
Ghost of Christmas Future: Knife wounds.
Me: Nice, nice.
Ghost of Christmas Future: Nice? That you're so hated that someone would knife you to death?
Me: No, because that's awesome. So intimate. To inspire knife attacks. Also, because that kind of fate is super preventable. I'll just hire a bodyguard or start wearing mithril wherever I go.
Mithril: the perfect gift for the hated business owner on your shopping list.
Ghost of Christmas Future: The malice you inspire in the hearts of men will not stop at knives. Whether by poison or bullets or angry, pecking birds, your enemies will find a way to end you.
Me: -scratches chin- You're right. You may have showed me the way to avoid one death, but you can't show me how to avoid them all.
Ghost of Christmas Future: No, I cannot.
Me: What if you help me?
Ghost of Christmas Future: I will never help you, villain.
Me: Not even if I can find a way to use my skills to free you from your bonds?
Ghost of Christmas Future: Your skills? What use are your skills to one of my nature?
Me: I've been hustling ghosts all night. Listen. -I bend down to scratch up my plan in the ghostly dirt- We call the Ghost of Christmas Past up. When she arrives, we bind her with your chains, and then use her to travel back into the past and stop you from the misdeed you're repaying.
Ghost of Christmas Future: -the color drains from his already very pale face- That could work.
Me: Of course it will work. Then, you give me your gifts so I become the new, part-time Ghost of Christmas Future. Then you go rest for eternity, while I reign over this plane as an immortal.
Ghost of Christmas Future: I like it. OK. Hang on a second.
-The room shimmers. The Ghost of Christmas Past appears-
Ghost of Christmas Past: Hey Larry, what's up ...
Me: Get her!
Ghost of Christmas Past: OH GOD NO.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and reigns over this plane as an immortal. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out 5 TV Moments That Caused Bizarre Real-World Consequences. And then check out The 30 Most Incredible Gifts You Can Actually Buy.
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