A Guide to Your Local Mall (Post Marijuana Legalization)

WELCOME TO GREENLEAF MALL (A WESTFIELD JOINT)

If you’re like me, the first thing you notice upon entering the mall is how insanely high you are. Then you notice that there’s this one floor tile right at the entrance that’s slightly off center. So you notice that for a while, and what it says about you as a person, but before you can get too deeply into things in any serious way, you’re drawn forward by the lights, glamor, and heavy pot-stench beckoning you down the glittering halls. Passing through a hazy barrier so pungent with mary jane that you may as well be attending Willie Nelson’s cremation, you venture on. FUZZIER IMAGE (Formerly Sharper Image) The folks at the Fuzz have managed to hang onto that sleek, modern office feel, while incorporating the intense chronic that you want from a high-end mall gadgeteria. Shelves are crowded with minor miracles, from things that are clearly clocks powered by some kind of gel, to things that might be clocks, but their displays aren’t working right now. Whether you’re supposed to smoke weed out them or not (usually you are, but ask before buying), each is a testament to man’s tool-using prowess and desire to fit an entire ecosystem into a two-inch glass cube. Seriously, they put this little shrimp in there with a plant and water, and he can just live like that forever. And you’re supposed to just put it on your desk at work. You’re like God, watching this little cube of life. I mean, maybe that’s how God really is, you know? Maybe we’re just these little eternally cycling lives, and he’s like this regular bourgeois guy at his desk who just has paperwork to do and we’re like just a toy to him, just a way to feel in control, to feel powerful while he tries to nail his secretary and land the Whatever account. You can also ride a Segway at Fuzzier Image, but you have to pretend like you’re actually interested in buying it. SAMPLE PRODUCTS The Bose-Hauptmann LaserBong: This stunning study in green crystal combines all the functionality and poise of a top shelf bong with the mesmerizing time-telling ability of a row of blinking LEDs. Take a rip, then stare in slack-jawed wonderment as the current date and time are projected onto the smoke before your very eyes! $49.99 Motorized Eighth-Rack: Tired of constantly sorting through your many ounces of sweet green? Simply store them in this handy, closet-ready motorized rack. Individual eighth-sized pouches provide the perfect home for your bud, and the motor’s good for up to three million rotations, so hold the button and stare at your weed-go-round all you want, you high son of a bitch. $19.99. PotSoundz Sleep Aid: Trouble sleeping? You know what’s good for that? Oh, you’ve already tried smoking weed? You say you’ve smoked so MUCH weed that you’re lying in your bed shaking with your arms uncontrollably floating upwards? Just plug in your PotSoundz Sleep Aid clock radio and drift off to the soothing sounds of bong pulls, hacking coughs, and ill-timed giggling. $14.99. HIonFlow Air Depurifier: Standing at exactly 420 millimeters, this compactable, portable air depurifier uses patented HIon technology (the “HI” stands for “high, it gets you”) to actually infuse THC into the air of any room in which it’s placed. $0.99 for the unit, $40.00 per THC gel-pac filter insert. BUD-MART (Formerly Wal-Mart) For the average American family, Wal-Mart’s low prices on bulk goods are a godsend. In much the same way, Bud-Mart’s three-gallon tubs of low-grade Tijuana Mary will keep you and the wife high out of your minds for only pennies a day! So head on in, but be sure to avoid eye contact with the greeters; mentally handicapped octogenarian stoners tend to startle easily. HASH AND BODYHIGH (Formerly Bath and Bodyworks) If your senses need a momentary break from the ever-present pot fog, duck into Greenleaf’s own body and fragrance store for a burst of lemon summertime or spritz of ocean breeze so authentic you’ll think someone poured a capful of saltwater up one nostril and Pledge up the other. Once you’ve recovered from your impromptu tropical getaway, why not sample a toke of the store’s signature strains, Lemon Summertime and Ocean Breeze? That’s right; they’re THE SAME PRODUCT. You see, Hash and Bodyhigh’s aromatherapists have worked long and hard to craft marijuana plants that release, when smoked, soothing scents as diverse as Vanilla Warmth, Fresh Linen, and Purple Kooshy Dankenstein. Any of their line of exclusive scents can be enjoyed with a Hash and Bodyhigh oil-infusion aromatherapy kit (tea candle sold separately) or can be baked into a brownie. SAMPLE PRODUCTS Lavendré Designer Bongwater: Studies have shown that the average marijuana user inhales smoke by way of filthy, brackish bongwater swimming with parasites. Instead, why not upgrade your smoking experience with a bottle of Lavendré Designer Bongwater? Lavendré is imported from a town deep in the French countryside, whose inhabitants have spent centuries toiling on bongwater plantations to perfect their craft. So the next time you’re going to take a monster rip, enjoy it with a smooth blend of rosehip and lavender. And if you don’t like it, try it again in ten minutes and you probably will. It’s the H&B guarantee! $3.29/bottle. Body Butter Warning-Cozy: This elegant yet effective cozy is perfect intersect of function and aesthetics. In simple language and with bold lettering, the consumer is firmly reminded that Body Butter is NOT actual butter. Each cozy is crocheted by a genuinely high person, and fits snugly over a standard Hash and Bodyhigh butter tub. So spare yourself embarrassment, as well as shockingly painful intestinal cramping. $6.99. FAT LIDS (Formerly GAP Kids) Fat Lids has been shut down by the government for repeatedly selling drugs to children. We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope you’ll return for the grand opening of GYMBOREEFER at the same location! BARNES & GANJA (Formerly Bookstar) Barnes & Ganja is a modern Mecca for movie buffs, music lovers and bookworms alike. Browse through their vast collection of ambient, prog rock and world music, read virtually any work by a Central American revolutionary, or just lounge in a comfy chair with a steaming mug of "green tea" from the in-store coffee shop (that's what they call a cup of Marijuana!). To better accommodate today’s recreational pot user, Barnes & Ganja’s books are sorted not by author, but rather by what the thing on the cover looks like.

SAMPLE PRODUCTS Phish, Zappa, Radiohead and Techno, Vols. 1-19: Get all the music you’ll ever need in this 19-volume set, featuring hand-picked tracks from four of the greatest groups of our time: Phish, Frank Zappa, Radiohead, and the people that make techno music. $9.98/volume. Volumes include: Vol. 3 – Songs That Really Make You Think Vol. 8 – Songs With The Word “Joint” In Them Vol. 11 – Songs That Have This One Crazy Part In The Breakdown, You Just Have To Hear It, Trust Me Phish: If you still haven’t gotten your fill of Phish, why not meet them in person? While Phish aren’t technically for sale, I’ve been unable to get them to leave the store for several months now. Anyone who can prise them away from the upstairs smoking lounge is welcome to them. $6 O.B.O. The Cannabible, King James (Blunt) Edition: When was the last time you actually read your cannabible, rather than just using its pages for rolling papers? Reconnect to your spiritual and marijuanical center with this handsome leatherbound edition, which features original biblical verse alongside full-color photos and vivid descriptions of more than a hundred different marijuana strains, as well as newly annotated psalms taken from Bob Marley lyrics, all fully approved by "You're Beautiful" singer J. Blunt. Color-coded text helpfully indicates which words are those of Jesus himself and which are those of Ronnie, his dealer and college roommate. Thrill to Ronnie’s own, lesser-known Sermon on the Mount, wherein he describes how ferociously “thy mind shall be riven by this dankity-dank” (Book of Ronnie, 4:20). And the last few hundred pages are blank because James Blunt fell asleep! Did someone say