WELCOME TO GREENLEAF MALL (A WESTFIELD JOINT)
If youÃ¢ÂÂre like me, the first thing you notice upon entering the mall is how insanely high you are. Then you notice that thereÃ¢ÂÂs this one floor tile right at the entrance thatÃ¢ÂÂs slightly off center.
So you notice that for a while, and what it says about you as a person, but before you can get too deeply into things in any serious way, youÃ¢ÂÂre drawn forward by the lights, glamor, and heavy pot-stench beckoning you down the glittering halls.
Passing through a hazy barrier so pungent with mary jane that you may as well be attending Willie NelsonÃ¢ÂÂs cremation, you venture on.
(Formerly Sharper Image)
The folks at the Fuzz have managed to hang onto that sleek, modern office feel, while incorporating the intense chronic that you want from a high-end mall gadgeteria. Shelves are crowded with minor miracles, from things that are clearly clocks powered by some kind of gel, to things that might be clocks, but their displays arenÃ¢ÂÂt working right now. Whether youÃ¢ÂÂre supposed to smoke weed out them or not (usually you are, but ask before buying), each is a testament to manÃ¢ÂÂs tool-using prowess and desire to fit an entire ecosystem into a two-inch glass cube.
Seriously, they put this little shrimp in there with a plant and water, and he can just live like that forever. And youÃ¢ÂÂre supposed to just put it on your desk at work. YouÃ¢ÂÂre like God, watching this little cube of life. I mean, maybe thatÃ¢ÂÂs how God really is, you know? Maybe weÃ¢ÂÂre just these little eternally cycling lives, and heÃ¢ÂÂs like this regular bourgeois guy at his desk who just has paperwork to do and weÃ¢ÂÂre like just a toy to him, just a way to feel in control, to feel powerful while he tries to nail his secretary and land the Whatever account.
You can also ride a Segway at Fuzzier Image, but you have to pretend like youÃ¢ÂÂre actually interested in buying it.
The Bose-Hauptmann LaserBong:
This stunning study in green crystal combines all the functionality and poise of a top shelf bong with the mesmerizing time-telling ability of a row of blinking LEDs. Take a rip, then stare in slack-jawed wonderment as the current date and time are projected onto the smoke before your very eyes! $49.99
Tired of constantly sorting through your many ounces of sweet green? Simply store them in this handy, closet-ready motorized rack. Individual eighth-sized pouches provide the perfect home for your bud, and the motorÃ¢ÂÂs good for up to three million rotations, so hold the button and stare at your weed-go-round all you want, you high son of a bitch. $19.99.
PotSoundz Sleep Aid:
Trouble sleeping? You know whatÃ¢ÂÂs good for that? Oh, youÃ¢ÂÂve already tried smoking weed? You say youÃ¢ÂÂve smoked so MUCH weed that youÃ¢ÂÂre lying in your bed shaking with your arms uncontrollably floating upwards? Just plug in your PotSoundz Sleep Aid clock radio and drift off to the soothing sounds of bong pulls, hacking coughs, and ill-timed giggling. $14.99.
HIonFlow Air Depurifier:
Standing at exactly 420 millimeters, this compactable, portable air depurifier uses patented HIon technology (the Ã¢ÂÂHIÃ¢ÂÂ stands for Ã¢ÂÂhigh, it gets youÃ¢ÂÂ) to actually infuse THC into the air of any room in which itÃ¢ÂÂs placed. $0.99 for the unit, $40.00 per THC gel-pac filter insert.
For the average American family, Wal-MartÃ¢ÂÂs low prices on bulk goods are a godsend. In much the same way, Bud-MartÃ¢ÂÂs three-gallon tubs of low-grade Tijuana Mary will keep you and the wife high out of your minds for only pennies a day! So head on in, but be sure to avoid eye contact with the greeters; mentally handicapped octogenarian stoners tend to startle easily.
HASH AND BODYHIGH
(Formerly Bath and Bodyworks)
If your senses need a momentary break from the ever-present pot fog, duck into GreenleafÃ¢ÂÂs own body and fragrance store for a burst of lemon summertime or spritz of ocean breeze so authentic youÃ¢ÂÂll think someone poured a capful of saltwater up one nostril and Pledge up the other. Once youÃ¢ÂÂve recovered from your impromptu tropical getaway, why not sample a toke of the storeÃ¢ÂÂs signature strains, Lemon Summertime and Ocean Breeze? ThatÃ¢ÂÂs right; theyÃ¢ÂÂre THE SAME PRODUCT.
You see, Hash and BodyhighÃ¢ÂÂs aromatherapists have worked long and hard to craft marijuana plants that release, when smoked, soothing scents as diverse as Vanilla Warmth, Fresh Linen, and Purple Kooshy Dankenstein. Any of their line of exclusive scents can be enjoyed with a Hash and Bodyhigh oil-infusion aromatherapy kit (tea candle sold separately) or can be baked into a brownie.
LavendrÃÂ© Designer Bongwater:
Studies have shown that the average marijuana user inhales smoke by way of filthy, brackish bongwater swimming with parasites. Instead, why not upgrade your smoking experience with a bottle of LavendrÃÂ© Designer Bongwater? LavendrÃÂ© is imported from a town deep in the French countryside, whose inhabitants have spent centuries toiling on bongwater plantations to perfect their craft.
So the next time youÃ¢ÂÂre going to take a monster rip, enjoy it with a smooth blend of rosehip and lavender. And if you donÃ¢ÂÂt like it, try it again in ten minutes and you probably will. ItÃ¢ÂÂs the H&B guarantee! $3.29/bottle.
Body Butter Warning-Cozy:
This elegant yet effective cozy is perfect intersect of function and aesthetics. In simple language and with bold lettering, the consumer is firmly reminded that Body Butter is NOT actual butter. Each cozy is crocheted by a genuinely high person, and fits snugly over a standard Hash and Bodyhigh butter tub.
So spare yourself embarrassment, as well as shockingly painful intestinal cramping. $6.99.
(Formerly GAP Kids)
Fat Lids has been shut down by the government for repeatedly selling drugs to children. We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope youÃ¢ÂÂll return for the grand opening of GYMBOREEFER
at the same location!
BARNES & GANJA
Barnes & Ganja is a modern Mecca for movie buffs, music lovers and bookworms alike. Browse through their vast collection of ambient, prog rock and world music, read virtually any work by a Central American revolutionary, or just lounge in a comfy chair with a steaming mug of "green tea" from the in-store coffee shop (that's what they call a cup of Marijuana!). To better accommodate todayÃ¢ÂÂs recreational pot user, Barnes & GanjaÃ¢ÂÂs books are sorted not by author, but rather by what the thing on the cover looks like.
Phish, Zappa, Radiohead and Techno, Vols. 1-19:
Get all the music youÃ¢ÂÂll ever need in this 19-volume set, featuring hand-picked tracks from four of the greatest groups of our time: Phish, Frank Zappa, Radiohead, and the people that make techno music. $9.98/volume. Volumes include:
Vol. 3 Ã¢ÂÂ Songs That Really Make You Think
Vol. 8 Ã¢ÂÂ Songs With The Word Ã¢ÂÂJointÃ¢ÂÂ In Them
Vol. 11 Ã¢ÂÂ Songs That Have This One Crazy Part In The Breakdown, You Just Have To Hear It, Trust Me
If you still havenÃ¢ÂÂt gotten your fill of Phish, why not meet them in person? While Phish arenÃ¢ÂÂt technically for sale, IÃ¢ÂÂve been unable to get them to leave the store for several months now. Anyone who can prise them away from the upstairs smoking lounge is welcome to them.
The Cannabible, King James (Blunt) Edition:
When was the last time you actually read
your cannabible, rather than just using its pages for rolling papers?
Reconnect to your spiritual and marijuanical center with this handsome leatherbound edition, which features original biblical verse alongside full-color photos and vivid descriptions of more than a hundred different marijuana strains, as well as newly annotated psalms taken from Bob Marley lyrics, all fully approved by "You're Beautiful" singer J. Blunt.
Color-coded text helpfully indicates which words are those of Jesus himself and which are those of Ronnie, his dealer and college roommate. Thrill to RonnieÃ¢ÂÂs own, lesser-known Sermon on the Mount, wherein he describes how ferociously Ã¢ÂÂthy mind shall be riven by this dankity-dankÃ¢ÂÂ (Book of Ronnie, 4:20). And the last few hundred pages are blank because James Blunt fell asleep! Did someone say rolling papers? $24.99.
A HIT Ã¢ÂÂO DISNEY
(Formerly The Disney Store)
Embracing GreenleafÃ¢ÂÂs overall strategy, A Hit Ã¢ÂÂO Disney has veered sharply away from its kid-friendly atmosphere, towards a more modern and sophisticated consumer experience. Gone are the overpriced dresses and licensed backpacks, replaced by monitors screening Disney classics round the clock. And thanks to a partnership with neighbors Barnes & Ganja, in-store music is a continuous loop of Pink FloydÃ¢ÂÂs seminal Dark Side of the Moon
While A Hit Ã¢ÂÂO Disney doesnÃ¢ÂÂt actually sell anything, Terry has left a coffee can on the counter, and would appreciate everyone throwing in some singles on their way out.
(Formerly SpencerÃ¢ÂÂs Gifts)
SpencerÃ¢ÂÂs Gifts is a closet-sized phantasmagoria of blacklight posters, lava lamps, fake vomit and things shaped like boobs and dicks. In short, heaven. To find your way to this stonerÃ¢ÂÂs paradise, just follow the sound of the uncontrollable laughter! Because honestly, if youÃ¢ÂÂre Ã¢ÂÂSpencerÃ¢ÂÂs high,Ã¢ÂÂ the chances of you correctly deciphering a mall directory are about the same as you successfully performing open-heart surgery.