A Compelling Argument For Unemployment: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

I've heard people say they'd probably keep working if they won the lottery. Those people are completely full of s**t. You really expect me to believe that you'd keep going to your crappy dead-end job day-in day-out if you didn't need the money? You know - the job that you complain about incessantly and fantasize about quitting on a daily basis? You must have a great work ethic. Either that or you're mildly retarded, but most retarded people would quit their jobs if they won the lottery
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1, so I guess that means you have a great work ethic. There's just one problem with that: you DON'T have a great work ethic, so I guess that means you're completely full of s**t. QED. I don't even need a big jackpot to quit my job. Give me a scratch-and-win worth enough cash to buy a baby chimp, a pair of drawstring pants, and a comfortable couch, and I'll have my desk cleaned out within the hour. Then I'll swing by Baby Gap, pick up a tiny polo shirt for my new chimp, stop by the liquor store and grab a bottle of whiskey, and head home for the most awesome afternoon of all time. Then I'll sober up and realize that I have no job, no savings, and a new baby chimpanzee to feed. Then the chimp will start throwing poop all over my house, and I'll be like, "Oh yeah - they do that." Then I'll try to sell the chimp for animal testing, but the scientists will be like, "We can't possibly accept this chimp, sir - he's drunk." Then I'll have to open an animal testing facility in the spare bedroom in my apartment, which will make me a ton of money until the animal rights people show up to protest on my front lawn, but then I'll get evicted and have to find a new apartment, and how the hell am I supposed to find a place in Chicago that will rent an apartment to some unemployed guy with a pet chimpanzee and no shirt on? See, this is why I don't play the lottery. Mo' money, mo' problems.
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1 As you all know, scrupulous fact-checking is of the utmost importance here at Cracked.com, and my editors had our research department conduct a comprehensive survey to verify this claim. Of the 2,500 people surveyed, 73% said they would quit their jobs, 4% said they would continue working, and 23% mumbled something about cookies and licked their own hands.
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