And so we've reached the end of our odyssey. We've learned many things. We've learned Donald Trump will grab your genitals against your will and when you least expect it. We know he has a deep understanding of the subtle flavor profiles of Vladimir Putin's cock (mostly potatoes and gunpowder). We've learned that if Trump started a lemonade stand, he would somehow find a way to lose $916 million. There's no telling what other stories will arise in the future. But there are a few stories left that let us know where we might be headed.
As Hillary Clinton's lead in the polls widened, Trump ramped up his bullshit claim that the whole election has been rigged in her favor from the start. He makes people screaming racial slurs on Xbox Live look like gracious losers. He's taken it as far as saying he'll only accept the election results if he wins, implying that even he doesn't know what kind of crazy shit he'll do if he loses. To combat statistically nonexistent voter fraud, he's called on his supporters to act as "poll monitors." But they aren't poll monitors, are they? They're voter intimidators. Trump has instilled so much distrust of the election process into his voter base that it's no wonder that 51 percent of likely voters "express at least some concern about the possibility of violence on Election Day."
Trump has turned voting into a life-threatening act. He wants the local church or middle school or library you'll be voting in to be a military checkpoint where disciples of his authoritarian beliefs intimidate those who don't share their political views. He's practically made it a requirement to bring your voter ID and brass knuckles into the voting booth. It's scary not knowing for sure what Trump and some of his more extreme supporters might do if he loses. But I have one more story that hints at an optimistic ending.
When Trump and his first wife, Ivana, were dating, they went on a Colorado ski vacation. Donald was the first down the slope, and he waited for Ivana at the bottom. "Come on, baby!" he said. So she did. She rocketed down the slope like a pro, doing four flips throughout her run. She hadn't yet told Donald that she was an accomplished skier. Donald was furious. He had been humiliated by a woman in front of onlookers. He pouted and went back to the ski lodge, stripping off all of his gear and dropping it as he went, leaving a trail of defeat in his wake.
If we're lucky, on November 9 Donald Trump will pout, strip himself naked, and march back into Trump Tower, never to be heard from again.
Luis urges you to vote. Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? You can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
To see the two inexplicably polar opposite muses in Trump's life, check out Donald Trump Is The JFK For Millennials (Seriously, Folks) and How Actual Nazis Are Influencing Trump (More Than He Knows).
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