Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana, depending on a wig or something) is the Once and Future Queen Of Tweens. Iâve already weighed in on her music (as have others at Cracked) and we all know sheâs part of a conspiracy to teach underage girls to pole dance, but does she do any work thatâs not audibly or morally offensive? Yes. Is it horrible in some other way? Yes. Is it still pretty audibly offensive? Of course.
"The Hoedown Throwdown" is a choreographed dance number from the Hannah Montana âmovieâ that makes the Hokey Pokey look like Bob Fosseâs Thriller (featuring Cotton-Eye Joe). I can only imagine the suicides currently happening at middle school dances as the Hoedown Throwdown comes on and 50 squealing girls flawlessly reenact the above monstrosity. DJ Casper must be sliding to the left in his grave right now.
Not to be outdone by Smiley Virus up there, I've made up my own dance-along.Â Make sure to play it at your next rainbow party.
Justin Bieber Stalking Is Cute If You Haven't Hit Puberty Yet, Right?
Justin Bieber has been blowing up quite a bit over the past few months and despite popular belief, he is a boy. He has songs that somehow feature Usher and Ludicrous, and tweenage girls are sporting wetties all over the country just to get a little bit of Bieber in them.
Bieber Fever: Itâs like swine flu only more deadly and way gayer.
Aside from the disturbing fact that tiny 3-year-old girls are crying over this boy, the unfortunate thing about Justin(e) is how overwhelmingly creepy his songs actually are. In his single âOne Less Lonely Girl,â Bieber proclaims to a young lady that âwhen youâre mine in the world thereâs gonna be one less lonely girlâ and he goes on to chant âIâm coming for youâ over and over again. Eerily reminiscent of Jeffrey Dahmerâs sophomore album Dahmer Arigato, no?