"Don't kinkshame me," you cry preemptively, drawing all eyes toward you. All the better that they admire your striking fashion statement. Hand-crafted from real leather, this holiday gimp suit is technically clothing. Festive ornaments dangle from nipple rings, and tinsel complements the assless chaps. If your peers cover their eyes, they're simply blinded by the amount of Christmas cheer reflecting off your shiny latex gusset.
Note from HR: Your sexual harassment training packet has been placed on top of your first sexual harassment training packet. Please review both.
Keep "Christ" In Christmas
Often, we focus on the wrong things around Christmastime -- the presents, the decorations, Tony Bennett serenading you as you pick up tampons from the grocery store. But this is all superficial commercial garbage distracting us from the true Christmas: the story of Mary giving sweaty, painful birth to Jesus. There were no epidurals in Jesus times -- only hay, a barn, and the uncomfortable gaze of sheep. Christmas isn't about fun traditions. It isn't about being "inclusive" or spreading "cheer." It's not about friends, family, or the joy of children. It is about Jesus Christ and the cold, clinical reality of how, like all of us, he burst into the world amid gooey vernix.
This sweater features an extreme close-up of the Virgin Mary's dilated vagina, with the precious head of baby Jesus crowning into the world. Childbirth is a metaphorical miracle, but the birth of our lord and savior is a literal one. Nothing says "Happy birthday, Jesus!" like a detailed depiction of his actual birth.
Note from HR: You don't work here anymore. Why do you keep showing up to our parties? Why do you keep showing up to my house?