8

Guo-Li-Zhuang: A Penis Buffet

Are you suffering from a low sex drive? Lack confidence and virility? Love stuffing animal penises into your mouth? If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, Guo-Li-Zhuang may just be the lunch spot for you. Or you may just be a pervert. Assuming the former, you’ll get a blast and a half out of Guo-Li-Zhuang’s tasteful interior decoration, soothing ambient music, and kitchen full of cooked animal members. And when it comes to man-meat, Guo-Li-Zhuang just can’t be beat! They’ve got horse penis, goat penis, dog penis, pig penis, c**k c**k…why, they’ve got more penis than you can shake your dick at! (Dick shaking not recommended, as you risk losing your penis to another hungry customer). All that and balls to boot! At Guo-Li-Zhuang, you can get any dick with testicles on the side; the way God intended. Would you like pig balls with a goat dick? Done. Dog penis with one horse ball and one rooster ball? Why the hell not? A big horse c**k and two tiny chicken balls? Hilarious! Or why not indulge yourself with the “man’s mighty meal,” a plate of three floppy dicks and eight—count ‘em eight!—swollen testicles, guaranteed to give you back your virility or send you screaming into the streets.

7

Cannibalistic Sushi

For many Americans, eating rolls of raw fish can be a tough sell. But if you’re one of the thousands of open-minded Yanks who’ve fallen under the spell of sushi in recent years, then what better way to totally ruin it for yourself than eating it out of a dead person? At Cannibalistic Sushi, an edible body is wheeled out to your family on a gurney, along with as much scotch as you need to disinfect your forks and convince yourself that this was a good idea. Then, it’s time to dig in! Whether you’re using chopsticks, a knife and fork, or your bare hands, one thing’s for certain: you’ll be feasting on the entrails of a human being. The artisans at Cannibalistic Sushi have taken pains to ensure that the human body you are ripping into is as lifelike as possible. The sushi inside is shaped to resemble human organs, a red “blood sauce” is embedded in the skin layer so as to create realistic bleeding, and your corpse even has a set of papier maché genitals! It’s like your third grade arts and crafts project all over again. If you’re an experienced cannibal, make sure to specify a male or female corpse when ordering, and show the other diners just how sophisticated your taste in human flesh is. And although eating at Cannibalistic Sushi may not quell the voices in your head that command you to kill and devour those around you, it will certainly shut them up for a day or two. Confuse

6

Dinner In The Sky

Not a restaurant in the true sense, Dinner In The Sky is more of a philosophy. The philosophy that if food tastes better outdoors, then it will taste even better than that suspended thirteen stories in the air. By making a reservation, you can guarantee you and up to 21 guests the dining experience of an extremely bizarre lifetime. At the appointed date, a Belgian crane will come and hoist your table, seats, waiters and even an entertainer into the air for a two-hour meal. The food is exceptional, and the entertainment consists of a man on all fours clutching at the ground and weeping until you are once again lowered. With Dinner In The Sky, you will truly experience all the labia-clenching terror that height has to offer. Your seats are groundless, leaving your legs dangling in the breeze, a testament to man’s refusal to not do crazy things that affront God. You are harnessed in however, so diners should be sure to evacuate their bowels before boarding, or else risk giving someone below the worst day of their lives. At 130 feet in the air, depending on your location, you can expect wind, fog, rain, and low flying birds to add a healthy sense of atmos-fear to your meal. And if by chance a romantic thunderstorm should swell, rest assured that you are fastened to a 130 foot-tall metal rod. Bon apetit!

5

Buns and Guns

For the love of God, GET DOWN! Ba-CHKOW! JESUS CHRIST! It’s…a turkey sub on French bread. But

4

Modern Toilet

If you’re still eating at Old Fashioned Toilet, you’re woefully behind the times, and let’s not even discuss Chamber Pot and The Outhouse. The fact is, today’s modern world demands a modern toilet—for sitting on while eating, for eating out of, for…actually that’s all the toilet uses we can really remember. Thank heavens, then, that the Modern Toilet restaurant has seen fit to outfit their restaurant with only the most modern plastic lids, fuzzy seat covers, and fine ceramic bowls, and then filled those bowls with a hot steaming pile of soup. And all Modern Toilet restaurants are co-ed, so don’t fret; your hubby won’t miss watching you guzzle soup out of a urinal, head held low while drops of broth splatter onto your face. And if the thought of eating a soup of yellow broth and chunks of cooked beef out of a toiled bowl seems less than appetizing to you, not to worry! Simply drop the soup into the toilet that is your seat, and flush it away. Of course, the toilets aren’t functional, and a waiter will be along shortly to escort you off the premises. But at least you didn’t have to eat the s**t soup! Instead, you can skip straight to dessert, a heaping helping of chocolate soft serve, fresh out of the bowl. So go out and spread the word about Modern Toilet, if only because you don’t want a confused mall patron running in and pissing into your Chicken Curry.

3

Eternity

If you’re anything like us Cracked writers, you can’t count the number of times you tried to cheer up a friend after a death in their family by surprising them with a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s. And no matter how many times they run out of the building screaming, it never stops being funny. Luckily, most will forgive you if you present them with an eighty-ticket unbreakable comb you won playing skee-ball. But if you’re not like us Cracked writers, you may want to mourn their recent loss at a place more befitting the occasion. Enter Eternity, the restaurant designed for people who have lost a loved one, and don’t want to move on any time soon. The windowless, coffin-shaped café is also an ideal dining destination for those who would like to recall the dead, but live far from a cemetery and find their remembrances go well with a banana nut muffin, not to mention goth kids and weird loners. The restaurant features funeral wreaths, white lilies on each table, and walls made of what appears to be black plastic, in case you happened to bury your mother in a garbage bag. Although if that’s the case, we’ve got some grisly news for you involving wolves and dismemberment. In fact, you might want to sit down for this. Banana nut muffin?

2

Fortezza Medicea

This exclusive restaurant in Voltera, Italy has tables booked weeks in advance. In order to secure a table, you and your guests will need to call ahead, submit to full background checks, and, once on premises, the maitre d’ and his helpful staff will frisk you and take your cell phones and anything else they deem a risk. Why the precautions? Is it because their chicken parmesan is so delicious, patrons have been known to storm the kitchen, threatening the life of the cook staff lest they reveal what Hell-demon they blew to get the recipe? Yes, but also because Fortezza Medicea is a maximum security prison. Not only is it a prison, but the wait staff and cook staff are all convicted inmates. The head chef is doing life for murder, as is the piano player Bruno (Bruno will take no requests. Do not speak to or make eye contact with Bruno).

1

"Roppongi"

The last restaurant on our list is so exclusive, it doesn’t even have a name. To eat there costs between two to eight thousand dollars, and you must be a member (to qualify as a member, you must have a yearly income in excess of $175,000…well, in Yen). It’s a secretive, controversial club located underground in Tokyo’s fashionable Roppongi District. Where you have sex with your food. Playing with your food has never been taken so literally. At the Roppongi club, you’ll get to make love to your choice of a chicken, dog, pig, or goat; male or female. At this point, unless you’ve overstepped your bounds, the animal is still alive, and presumably frisky. Once the deed is done, you (and your family? Guests? We’re not really sure what you want to do here) retire to the dining area. In a matter of minutes, you are presented with a delicious meal of roasted whatever-animal-you-just-fucked. The restaurant is not forthcoming with many details, but one imagines, largely for the sake of one’s sanity, that the animal is cleaned out first. Admittedly, this exclusive dining establishment is not for everyone, but if you’re a rich person who has literally exhausted every other human experience (remember, that includes injecting heroin into your eyeball), then why not top off your life of debauchery with a humped dog? As one of the patrons (who wished to remain anonymous) stated, “the appeal of the place just came about because when people have got money and done everything else, they turn towards bestiality.” We’re on to you, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, J.K. Rowling and Paul McCartney. Watch it.

---

When not writing for Cracked, Michael is eating cow penis in a sky prison as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!