The cooking is accomplished entirely with plastic utensils, for the safety of the customers, and added âcasualâ feel of the establishment. Why, dining at Fortezze Medicea is just like having a picnic! A picnic with the mafia!
But not to worry; while you eat, you will at all times be under the hawk-like gaze of 20 prison warders, just waiting for an inevitable violent escape attempt. Will you be taken hostage at (plastic) knife-point, used as a human shield by a convict, or simply gunned down in the cross fire? It all adds to the deliciousness of their signature red wine sauce.
Shanks, Fortezza Medicea, for proving that even killers-for-hire can make an alfredo sauce thatâs to die for!


The last restaurant on our list is so exclusive, it doesnât even have a name. To eat there costs between two to eight thousand dollars, and you must be a member (to qualify as a member, you must have a yearly income in excess of $175,000â¦well, in Yen). Itâs a secretive, controversial club located underground in Tokyoâs fashionable Roppongi District. Where you
have sex with your food.
Playing with your food has never been taken so literally. At the Roppongi club, youâll get to make love to your choice of a chicken, dog, pig, or goat; male or female. At this point, unless youâve overstepped your bounds, the animal is still alive, and presumably frisky.
Once the deed is done, you (and your family? Guests? Weâre not really sure what you want to do here) retire to the dining area. In a matter of minutes,

you are presented with a delicious meal of roasted whatever-animal-you-just-fucked. The restaurant is not forthcoming with many details, but one imagines, largely for the sake of oneâs sanity, that the animal is cleaned out first.
Admittedly, this exclusive dining establishment is not for everyone, but if youâre a rich person who has literally exhausted
every other human experience (remember, that includes injecting heroin into your eyeball), then why not top off your life of debauchery with a humped dog?
As one of the patrons (who wished to remain anonymous) stated, âthe appeal of the place just came about because when people have got money and done everything else, they turn towards bestiality.â
Weâre on to you, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, J.K. Rowling and Paul McCartney. Watch it.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is eating cow penis in a sky prison as head writer and co-founder of
Those Aren't Muskets!
433 Comments