Pulled Pork Sandwich at 5:40 p.m. (At Home)
My efforts to spend the whole day at the fair were dashed on the rocks of gastrointestinal discomfort, as that last corn dog made me feel like the devil had impregnated me with his angry seed and the young'un was suffering from some severe restless leg syndrome deep in my dark, damp places. My only option was to flee to the homestead and ride out my terrible, stupid idea. But I did stop on the way out to grab some pulled pork sandwiches and lemonade.
As you can see, the pulled pork looks a lot like zombie movie special effects or the glistening remains of a once potential-filled man's pride and good sense. However, it was far and away the most delicious thing I ate all day. Make note -- I would push down any elderly personage with impunity should they dare stand between me and this sweet, piggy ambrosia and I would not regret it for a second. It's that good. However, it's also pretty heavy, so you do need a beverage. Good thing I got one!
The Carny's Preposterous Lemonade at 5:45 p.m.
Is it ever necessary to top a drink with an entire fruit salad? My original joke here was about someone drowning Carmen Miranda in the tub, but then everyone would ask who the hell Carmen Miranda is, so I dropped it.
Despite having to harvest the top of this beverage before I could get into it, the rest of it was surprisingly delicious and refreshing. Oh you crazy carnies, you've done it again! The fact that it was a liter of lemonade wasn't doing me any favors, though, and after a solid pound of pulled pork on top of the rest of the day's slop, I was forced to sip slow and lazy like an old lady nursing a brandy.
Out of fair food and with no desire to eat again, I was forced to conclude that, yes, some fair food has thought put into it. Heart, even. Caring. Not all carnies are diabolical purveyors of coronary trauma. One or two of them just want you to be satisfied before you puke on a roller coaster. Good on them.
I didn't gain 20 pounds or vomit in a McDonald's parking lot because I'm not a wanker like Morgan Spurlock. Mostly I just felt like shit for the rest of the night and watched The Goonies. It was a good day.