I'd prefer,

Be kind, after coldly deciding what counts for kindness in this situation.

I realize that's both too long and too cranky for a bumper sticker, but lots of the kind people I know are so kind that they won't, for example, tell you that your work is lazy trash even when they are sure it is. Their kindness only extends to protecting your feelings in the moment. That's the type of kindness that insists on giving the dog treats even when it shits on the kitchen counter, ensuring that it never stops doing it.

These people often are concerned less about your well-being and more about preserving your feelings toward them. Their kindness is selfish and runs about an inch deep.

See, then you'll understand why they're lying. It's not always bad -- the people lying about their meat consumption figure it still helps to promote the cause, even if they themselves can't live up to it. Christians do the same. The a*****e at work who rages at you when you offer criticism? Watch carefully -- more often than not, they'll quietly change their habits in response to what you said. The "How dare you question me!" bullshit is just insecure posturing, and that's never the part that matters.

Then, to take this from the other side ...

Practice delaying gratification.

All of the skills that will let you succeed, whether your goal is to be a hedge fund millionaire or to play the banjo on a street corner, all really boil down to one skill: the ability to decline short-term pleasure in exchange for greater long-term pleasure. It's the ability to work and see no immediate result or encouragement whatsoever, knowing that it will pay off down the line.

If it sounds like I'm suggesting scrapping work/life balance in order to get rich and die alone after a string of divorces, remember that it works the other way, too. Natural high achievers will take the short-term pleasure (getting ahead of the competition, clocking extra hours), and ignore the fact that succeeding long-term means looking after their physical and mental health. They get to feel like a world-conquering badass now while skipping the exercise, sleep, vacations, and personal relationships that will let them be a badass (or at least alive) ten years down the line. For them, taking a vacation is delaying gratification.

What you instead must do is:

Get a clear sense of what you should and shouldn't be ashamed of.

People will try to shame you over your weight, income, sex partners, hobbies ... anything they sense you're insecure about, whether it's actually in your control or not. But shame exists for a reason. It's how society gives you feedback on your habits. So staying sane means learning how to answer this fairly simple question: "Is the critic here actually interested in seeing me get better, or are they just tearing me down so they look bigger in comparison?"

Now, despite having become perfect at this, I still haven't encountered a single piece of legitimate criticism since 1996. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't keep an eye out.

These are the people who will make some kind of mental resolution to get a job, or lose weight, or be generally better, then will congratulate themselves on having made that mental resolution and consider their work done. "Those poor kids, left without a home. We'll definitely keep them in our thoughts."

This, as I think I've said several thousand times, is the epidemic of the social media age. "This viral tweet says immigrant children are being treated terribly, so I feel depressed today, which represents the totality of my response." Hmmm, it seems like if you are truly touched by this, you should do something more. "You're right. I'll be sure to also tell everyone I see how miserable I am, so that I get credit for being properly miserable in response to the plight of those poor children."

f**k off.

You are the sum total of your actions, and nothing else.

This is not, however, to be confused with ...

No, you're f*****g not. There is a method to being successful -- no matter how you define success -- that is effective and boring and requires suffering through numerous brutal setbacks. It involves learning how to do a thing, and then practicing doing the thing until you've made yourself valuable to the world due to being good at the thing, whether the thing is being a surgeon, artist, lover, or friend. Or all of them.

You'll have stretches where you do everything right and still fail, just as you can have a perfect shooting form and still miss a shot in basketball, and you'll get frustrated because some novice will then take the ball and put it through the hoop by bouncing it off of his ass. The physical universe is full of randomness. There are marathon runners who drop dead at 25 from cancer, there are fat smokers who live to be 103. But it's no mystery which way is much more likely to work.

You have to always keep that big picture in mind, and,

Take pleasure in mastering the process, regardless of the results.

s**t, I'm just now realizing that these would all be easier to remember if they rhymed. Hold on, how about:

Mastered Process Is Faster Progress.

Crap, it took me two hours to come up with that. There's no way I have time to do the rest of these before deadline. f**k.

David's latest novel is out in paperback right now -- look at the review scores! Jason "David Wong" Pargin is the Executive Editor at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter or on Facebook or YouTube or Instagram.

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