Chris Bucholz
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So this movie came out this past weekend about massive fighting robots. I don't know the name - I think it was the George Clooney one.
That's definitely it. I think Ides was the name of the robot.
Anyways, this film was set in a curious near-future where competitive fighting is no longer done with fellas in little shorts and is instead done with massive robots who wear no shorts at all. The movie presumably goes into some explanation for why robots have entered this role, but not having seen the film, I'm limited to stating that it probably wasn't very convincing.
Because a future where massive humanoid robots that do our bidding is only one really inspired lunatic away from becoming a reality, I decided to compile a list of all the cool things a lunatic could do with a massive humanoid robot. To ensure accuracy, I accomplished this by standing outside my local mental hospital and shouting questions at the open windows, recording whatever was shrieked back at me. After some time with the spell checker, and the removing hateful slurs checkers, I've come up with the 9 most inspired ways to abuse society with a massive robot. Hopefully this will inspire some of the lunatics that regularly read this column to get off their probably quite large asses, and invent some massive robots.
According to a survey of commuters, less than 1% of people currently commute to work on the shoulders of an enormous robot. But 100% would do so if it was an option. "Is it an option?" 80% of that same group asked the surveyor, seizing him by his lapels.
The advantages of riding to work on the shoulders of an enormous robot are too obvious to mention, but will at minimum include:
- Increased visibility
- The ability to use pedestrianized shortcuts
- Carpooling lane privileges
- Intimidation of tollbooth operators.
A robot would also look very impressive when parked outside your office, winning you much admiration and prestige. When parked it would also, obviously, be theft resistant, and could also run errands for you while you're at work. Truthfully, having a robot for commuting would make you pretty much royalty, a prince among men.
Prince quite probably already has a massive robot friend which he rides around the house.
The only potential downside is the increased insurance premiums you might have to pay, due to the surely astronomical cost of your robot, and the fact that you will be constantly tempted to step on people and their shitty little cars every second of every commute.
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According to the culture I devoured growing up, many problems in the world are solved by Battles of the Bands.
Due to popular demand, they would later turn the novel into a movie.
But it turns out that Battles of the Bands don't happen much in the real world, and when they do, they're for pretty low stakes. A t-shirt advertising the bar the battle is played at is a typical prize, but so is nothing at all.
That said, given the state of the economy it's not improbable that in the near future most of our incomes will be derived from Battle of the Bands' winnings. In those cases, having a massive robot in your band would be pretty useful, given that it would have both the programming to play its instrument consistently, and incredible stage presence. Imagine perfectly timed, down to the millisecond, jumps when playing Van Halen's
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Because of some problems society has, for the last decade we've had shows on our televisions where the most objectionable people in the world are put in odd circumstances and forced to compete for money and attention. Like the high pitched noise when a television turns on, you can usually detect the presence of these shows from the full body shivers you'll experience when they're airing.
Even looking at this picture is enough to make my testicles retract inside my body cavity to protect themselves.
Because the producers of these shows are quite possibly robots themselves, and if not, completely soulless, it stands to reason that they would have no problem allowing a massive robot to be a contestant on a
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Like most people who know the difference between there,
(And besides, the kind of little asshole who use the phrase "bona fides" is probably asking for it.)
But that doesn't mean that I condone bullying, or think it's a necessary part of growing up. We can and should stop bullying from happening to more children. So, in the event you have a massive robot under your control, send it to local schools to lurk behind bushes and low buildings, looking for signs of bullying. Upon spotting any name calling, or noogies, or front wedgies, prompt your steely paladin to leap into the open and (gently) wail on the little thug. As this raises certain ethical issues, please promise not to enjoy this, at least not more than is strictly necessary to do it effectively.
"This court finds that given the degree to which Tyler was a little shit, a reasonable person would be fully expected to enjoy using a 30 ton robot to beat him. Kudos, and case dismissed."
It's an open secret that many police departments in the world use traffic citations as a revenue source. This makes certain activities which are relatively easy to police, such as speeding, much more likely to be cited than other bad driving habits which are as dangerous if not more so, like running red lights or tailgating.
Also, radar guns allow the police to think they're fighting a futuristic war.
Using a giant robot to police these other minor violations is an obvious solution, which would also obviously be emotionally very satisfying for the operator of the robot. Few men alive haven't dreamed of caving in the hood of the car of someone who just changed lanes without signalling. An early draft of Martin Luther King's most famous speech actually went into this point at some length, before it was trimmed for the sake of brevity.
Of course, vigilantism can never be the answer - any justice which abandons due process will ultimately lead to far worse injustices. Which means that to pursue any such solution, you'd need authorization, from I guess the mayor, a process which will be made easier after putting a fist through the hood of his car.
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One problem with having an enormous robot is that other people are going to be jealous of you and all the horrible things you've done to them with your enormous robot. This jealously could lead to retribution, and if that retribution is also robot-delivered, you could be in real trouble. From this simple analysis it should be clear that the ideal scenario for owning a giant robot is being the only one with a giant robot.
This should be straightforward. Just check your robot for a boilerplate which should list its home address, and head over there. Actually destroying the factory itself will be easy enough (remember that you have a massive robot at your disposal) but come prepared for resistance anyways (wear a helmet) and maybe don't tell them you're coming.
"Yeah Murray? One of our CSR's just got the strangest call from one of our customers. I'll get into it later, but for now I think you should probably close the front gate."
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Over the last few weeks a number of protestors have occupied Wall Street, and after days of effort, have succeeded in deciding to call themselves Occupy Wall Street. Angry about the economic and income inequality prevalent in today's economy, these protestors want something done about it. What that something is, is as yet a bit unclear, but whether it takes the form of a change in tax policy, new regulations for financial institutions, or a series of daring robot-assisted raids on rich people's homes, know that you're equipped to only help with one of those tasks.
The actual logistics of stealing from the rich are involved and will vary from site to site. Fortunately for you, you'll have a giant robot which is capable of kicking his way through most logistical challenges.
As well as suplexing most private security company's patrol cars.
As for giving your spoils to the poor, remember that they often won't be able to appreciate the beauty of many of your winnings, nor have the financial wherewithal to properly invest money for their future. Consider establishing a foundation for the benefit of the poor with your giant robot acting as the chairman. Then, double-consider installing a gavel attachment to his arm, useful for opening and closing meetings, as well as for being adorable.
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The problem with the rich is that they'll get wise to constantly being robbed by robots, and will soon put all their belongings out of reach of your robot - underwater I guess - and your foundation for the poor will suffer from lack of revenue. The only solution, stealing from the poor to give to the poor, may not sound like it makes much sense, but when mulled over for awhile, you'll remember that you have a giant robot, so fuck sense.
You'll definitely want to steal less than you would from the rich, if only because they have less, right? And don't steal from all the poor - for one thing, there are just to many of them. But there are lots of dirtbags out there - feel free to take their stuff. Dirtbags will have less security measures than the rich, making the stealing part relatively easy, but will own more Firebirds, which will be used to chase you down.
Mid 90's Firebirds are pretty quick, and are the number one car preferred by dirtbags. They are however, like many things, vulnerable to being kicked by a 30 ton robot.
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There will come a time, as the world lies in ruins, and you sit atop the pile of money which you're not even bothering to give to the poor any more, when you'll realize you've made a mistake. You spent so long isolated from society, clinging to the shoulders of a massive robot and wailing on children and poor people, that you forgot your humanity. Old, alone, and childless, you have no heir to place on the abominable throne you've created.
The only solution, building another enormous robot to make love to your existing enormous robot and give it a child, is more likely a product of your growing isolation-induced insanity, rather than a realistic plan. But it is, sadly achievable, given the great wealth you'll have acquired by that point. For the sake of taste, I'm not going to go into the actual mechanics of getting two enormous robots to fuck, except that it will require a great deal of nerve, involve an enormous heart shaped bed, and probably sound like this:
So, you know, wear ear protection.
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