9 Badass Lasers That Prove the Death Star Isn't Far Off

Scientists from Osaka University were triggering bolts with a crude CO2 laser system back in 1998, though it only worked well enough to be awesome, not practical. But laser science is the fastest-moving science in the last half century, and modern femtosecond pulse lasers have allowed them to control and direct lightning in the laboratory. Yes, the fact that scientists can make lightning in the laboratory is the incidental context in this death-metal apocalypse of a news story.

AIP Advances 2, 012151 (2012); doi: 10.1063/1.3690961
"You'll notice in c) that lasers can make even lightning straighten up and fly right. So, Senator, let's talk about funding."

French scientists have found a way to laser-designate Zeus's wrath. Lightning strikes occur when the potential difference between sky and Earth builds up enough to ionize the air, and ionizing air is what lasers do. So by lasering the air, the scientists create a path of least resistance for the lightning -- a priority lane for Thor. In tests, the system was able to steer lightning strikes away from otherwise guaranteed victims of Skyblasting and even redirect bolts that had already started to form. These laser lightning rods produce positive charge streamers -- the pre-lightning paths that both sound and destroy like Ghostbuster proton packs, 10 times faster than nature.

This system is intended to protect buildings more effectively than metal lightning rods. The ability to weaponize the gods the next time the sky darkens is presumably an incidental bonus.

20th Century Fox, Marvel
Now you know where Cyclops comes from, and why he's always pissing people off.

Professors Yun and Gather reported these results from Harvard Medical School, presumably in order to maintain the secret location of their subvolcanic secret base. The cells used are known as "immortal cell lines" because they don't die like most cells removed from humans. Because if there's anything we want to gift with laser power, it's something that is immortal, has only ever experienced human waste and was once a man.

The emitted laser light contains information about the amplifying cell, and not just information like "It's a mutant and hates you." The cell is also undamaged by lasing. In fact, being able to fire energy blasts means they're probably better than they've ever been. The team is now investigating ways to include the rest of the components biologically, using bioluminescence as a pumping power source and thinking very hard about living mirrors. The long term aim is to use biolaser cells as an ultrafast man-machine interface, and to finally kill Captain America.

The NIF's 192 lasers are precisely timed and amplified in the most sophisticated optical setup in the world. Earlier this month, they fired the most powerful laser blast in human history: 1.875 megajoules of focused ultraviolet light in 23 nanoseconds, delivering a power of 411 trillion watts. The rest of the United States put together only consumes half a trillion watts. (Though in fairness, the United States does last for slightly longer.) This record-breaking shot signals the beginning of full-power fusion experiments, working toward little things like limitless energy from seawater instead of compressed dead animals, no chance of meltdown and zero greenhouse pollution. If you're into that sort of thing.

via laserstars.org, Courtesy of Strelnitski et al., 1995

Walt Disney Pictures
Literally Ultimate Frisbee.

Jupiter radio lasers might sound like a trance-dub Internet radio station, but it's a real thing. (Though its random whistling and crackling could be either one.) The following sentence contains more kickass per word than a mute Tony Jaa: The volcanic moon of Io hurls electrically conducting gas-lava into Jupiter's magnetosphere, driving magnetohydrodynamic waves that carry 40 trillion watts into polar radio storms, pumping up the atmosphere so hard they become natural radio lasers. The air itself is so excited that when it hears a radio signal it quantum mechanically rocks out in perfect coherence. Oh, and humanity only uses about 15 trillion watts. Total.

NASA, Wikimedia Commons, the glorious Voyager 1
We would like to apologize for what we said about its rings in the previous section.

NASA

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Bonus: Now you know how he got elected.

Mr.checker, Wikimedia Commons
The St. Paul of Drosophila.

Of course we're working on doing this to ourselves. Another group has proven that you can show primates the light by directly triggering circuits in macaque monkey minds. This could revolutionize society. The brain is the most wonderful machine in existence, but still a complicated device well known for going wrong. When we discover an error, we're limited to carpet-bombing the entire brain with chemicals or collaterally damaging huge sections with electroshock and unintended side effects. Lasers can target and trigger brain cells with unprecedented precision. Incredible precision is lasers' entire job. Such direct brain links, activating specific brain circuits on demand, could revolutionize treatment of neurological and psychological disorders, with the minor fringe benefit of enabling direct man-machine connections. Every single thought and sensation in your head is a neuron firing. With precise neurolaser links, never mind controlling computers with your thoughts; you could replace your entire reality with a custom Matrix.

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Our version has slightly less Keanu Reeves. And still makes more sense.

Luke explains Why Kickstarter Won't Affect Mainstream Gaming (and Why That's OK). He also tumbles and has a website.

For more spectacular science, behold 5 Mind-Blowing Things Found in Our Own Solar System and The 7 Most Mind-Blowing Places Science Has Discovered Life. Science just loves going down on your intellect.