7

Exercise

A basic exercise regimen can also help minimize your natural decay, and allow you to keep up with your primary food source. At least three times a week you should be spending time working on your basic shuffle -- slowly increase the length of shuffle as you go, to help improve your necroticardio fitness. It's also not a bad idea to simply get good at shuffling -- you will be doing this a lot.

Weight training isn't usually important, as the zombification process will give you substantially increased strength, but if you wish, focus your efforts on shoulder exercises, as you will be spending hours of every day with your arms raised in front of you.

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You'll want your fingers free for mauling. We recommend using your teeth to carry valuable personal items and organs.

6

Social Networking

Science has proven that zombies work better in teams and you'll find your odds of making it in a dying world will be substantially improved if you form connections with your peers. Having friends around is useful for swarming, as well as for their ability to break your fall when you take a spill -- you'll be taking a lot of spills.

Zombified children have poor centers of balance and are an excellent way to bridge gaps in staircases or ford small bodies of water.

To find friends, attend places where there are likely to be other zombies -- malls, deserted gas stations, cemeteries -- and mingle. Don't worry if you're shy, or have confidence problems -- you will have similar interests as these unpeople. Simply start a conversation politely by saying "Blaaarrragh." Listen attentively and gauge the other zombie's response -- depending on whether they say, "Blaaaaaarrrgh," or shuffle a bit to the left, you'll be able to see whether this zombie wants to be a friend (both those actions indicate that yes, he does). Repeat as necessary until you are popular, or the hunger gets too much.

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"Blaaaaaaaargh. (You guys want to do something, or just hang out?)"

5

Self Defense

The natural enemy of the zombie is the human, and those little pink bastards haven't made it to the top of the food chain for nothing. In the early days of a zombie breakout, most humans will be pretty soft and doughy, and pose no particular challenge. But as time passes, only the toughest, stringiest humans will remain -- and they will be much more heavily armed. Not only will they be harder to chew, the more aggressive of them will begin fighting back.

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Above: Considerably more difficult than Pizza Hut.

The most important tip is to travel in a group, as there is safety in numbers. When dealing with particularly ornery humans, try not to be the first zombie at the scene -- these over achievers rarely make it through feeding time with their heads intact. Hanging back like this is technically abusing your friends' trust in you, but it turns out that not having a soul makes this a lot easier to live with. Remember: a head is preferable to a soul.

That's another thing -- the head. For some sick, twisted reason, humans love attacking zombie heads, and you can expect them to take no end of perverse pleasure in aiming for yours. If at all possible, wear a helmet. Even something as simple as a colander can be enough to offer some protection -- perhaps against someone armed with a slingshot, or some uncooked pasta.

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The holes will also allow any of your head fluids to drain through.

4

Romance

The longing to pair off with a kindred soul has lasted throughout human history, and there's no reason to think it won't survive the transition to inhuman history, even if the souls are no longer exactly present and everyone's a bit stickier.

Mark Marek
With luck, your nose will be the first thing to rot off.

The biggest challenge with finding said soulless-mate will be the communication difficulties -- "Blaaaaaaaargh" can mean both "I am for you, always" and "I have tremendous gas pain." You're also going to be cut off from the technological advantages today's humans have, with their dating web sites and sexting and teledildonics. Instead, you're going to be meeting most of your potential mates the old fashioned way -- through social circles and peers. It will be more than a little bit like how they dated in pre-industrial days, so if you have the time prior to zombification, spend some time around Amish communities to get a feel for how that plays out. Don't tell them what you're there researching zombie life though -- the Amish already have a poor impression of outsiders. Also don't mention the teledildonics thing either -- same deal.

Finally, because you never know when you'll shuffle upon that special someone, make a point of keeping yourself presentable looking. Always try and keep some fresh blood on your shirtfront to make yourself look successful. Mind your posture, keeping it hunched and stiff looking. And tear your clothes strategically to reveal your most suggestively rotted bits.

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Hot. Well, actually cold and clammy. But you get our meaning.

3

Job Hunting

Even with civilization crumbling around you, remember that you are still part human. There is a deep and powerful selfishness built into your modified DNA, and it is probably inevitable that zombies will eventually get around to the business of business. In the later stages of a zombie apocalypse, you can expect the most dynamic and successful zombies will be gathering, hording and growing precious resources -- building human farms essentially. The rich zombies will get richer, and if you can't be one of them, you'll want to at least be working for one of them.

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"ZombCorp has a great health plan -- your first two jaw replacements are free. And the glass eye copay is only half a frontal lobe."

The job application and interview process will be pretty informal, and will probably consist of a short conversation and a grappling contest. Bringing a resume is advisable -- but remember that the typical zombie resume will be very short, as your pre-zombie education and experience will be meaningless in this new world order. Focus on your quantifiable zombie-specific achievements -- number of humans eaten, barricades demolished, malls sacked, that sort of thing. It will of course be impossible to write any of this down, but taking the effort to smear a bloody stump of a finger on a piece of paper will show you have professionalism, in the exact same way that it doesn't currently do that at all in the human world.

2

Sex

1

Retirement Planning