- A flock of topless toddlers.
- An army line of dark-skinned diaper-clad children marching through the frozen tundra. OR an army line of children wearing black morphsuits.
- One happy child playing in the surf, tank top askew to reveal a nipple.
- Two TOTALLY nude boys bathing under a sunlamp and the glare of a grown man staring at their bottom parts.
Next time you're having a heated holiday argument with your grandparents (because you're awful ... who argues with their grandparents?), just remind them how OK past generations were with child nudity and you'll win. After all, Shirley Temple, Jodie Foster, the Olsen twins, and the Ubu dog all started their careers in various states of undress. But even if we sweep the specter of child nakedness into the Things We Dare Not Talk About Containment Unit, there's still a whole lot of scary going on with this ad. Like the fact that every kid minus Happy Nipples looks like an eyeless robot. Or if you look hard enough, the sun lamp isn't a lamp at all, but a giant spiked German helmet from World War I.
It's not until you read the text that you figure out what's going on here. Before our elders discovered the dangers of overexposure to UV rays or pedophilia, winter and sunless days were considered the enemy of good health. As if the season of winter were personally murdering kids on the daily.
No wonder so many kids turned hobo during the Great Depression ... roofs were the worst. Ovaltinish Cocomalt, with its infusion of vitamin D, was the perfect substitute for sunshine and clothes. But they couldn't just show a kid drinking some Cocomalt and being healthy -- they needed to show what Cocomalt represented. Thus the collage of nude sunbathers and Mr. Voyeur. COCOMALT: Just what the most awful pediatrician in town ordered.