Tomb Raider, Alone in the Dark, Resident Evil... I could go on, but I worked so hard for so long to repress those nasty memories. If I spend too much time thinking about these movies I'll probably end up back in therapy, trying to forget them all over again. Then it's only a matter of time before I think about Mortal Kombat, and then I'll have to take the blue pills again. The ones that make everything all fuzzy. Say what you will about the plethora of horrible video game adaptations that have hit the silver screen, but for the most part they've kind of made sense. If you have an action-packed video game full of static characters, turning it into an action-packed live-action movie should be pretty straightforward. That's all well and good for games with things like "characters" and "plots," but how do you make a live-action movie out of The Sims? Do you film some dude sitting on a couch for 90 minutes, babbling in Simlish while soccer ball icons fly out of his head? Does the film reach its climax when he gets up, makes some weird noises, urinates all over the floor and then collapses in the (inexplicably blue) puddle? If my experience with The Sims is any indication, that's the only plot this film could possibly have. I could rant and rave about all the reasons this particular movie adaptation is a horrible idea, but instead I'm going to make a broad appeal to Hollywood: PLEASE STOP MAKING VIDEO GAME MOVIE ADAPTATIONS. NONE OF THEM ARE ANY GOOD. THAT IS ALL. I think I've made a difference here today. I really do.. . Gladstone: I heard Roman Polanski was directing a “Second Life” movie, but the Feds shut it down after it was revealed the presumed underage actress who was having all that sex was an undercover agent.. . . Swaim: No, Ross, this made a difference. Oh, wait. No it didn't. . . .

#1. SEX AND THE CITY

To be honest, I’ve seen about four minutes of this program all told, and both times I watched it there was the possibility of getting laid at the time to encourage me. Two minutes in, it became readily apparent that even sex was not worth the massive brain seizures I risked by watching four women live out all the negative aspects of my stereotyped mental vision of “gals on the go.” As I see it, there are two main reasons to fear the arrival of such a monstrosity at the box office. The first is that by all accounts it is going to be staggeringly faithful to the original: same cast, same producer, same writing/directing team, same misogyny-inducing dialog and narration peppered with enough sex scenes to get you erect so you really feel it when your dick is metaphorically stomped on by grrl power. The second is that if you have a woman in your life, chances are she will make you see it.