So Jurassic World came out recently, reminding the world that, hey, dinosaurs are pretty rad, aren't they? Like most people, I was kicked out of the theater halfway through the film while making dinosaur sounds and biting people, and this experience got me to thinking: How badass would it be if I had a dinosaur of my own? Would there be any downsides at all? Or would this be one of those things that people rue?
How hard would they rue?
To find out what would happen, I set to work with some graph paper, a set of VHS cassettes of ABC's hit comedy Dinosaurs, and a case of strong beer. Here's what I came up with.
(It turns out the ruing gets pretty bad.)
Massive And Immediate Casualties
I'm not that smart of a guy. I mean, I think I'm smart, but that's usually a pretty sure sign of stupidity, and, sure, because I understand and admit that, perhaps I am actually smart, but on the other hand, I've kind of forgotten the point I was making earlier in this sentence, so let's say no. Dumb.
So when I get my dinosaur, which I'm imagining just shows up in my carport one day, there's no chance at all that I'll know what to do with him, much less keep him under control. Assuming this is a Tyrannosaurus rex, because honestly what's the point of imagining owning anything less, that means for the first few hours after taking possession of my new dinosaur, my neighborhood will be a pretty bad scene. People will be eaten, dogs will be eaten, mail service will be interrupted, and a whole host of other inconveniences will surely crop up. I have no doubt people will call the police, but I can't imagine response times will be too quick, because of one obvious problem.
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"... OH NO MY ENTIRE LEG IS ..."
"Sir, please stop calling. This line is for emergencies only."