Dear SyFy Channel,
If you like any of these, feel free to contact me and I'll write up a complete script by tomorrow.Â Or if you just want to write it yourself, that's fine, too.Â I could care less, but not much less.
The Spidercroc of Snake LakeA group of soldiers lead by Sgt. Mustango (played by Lorenzo Lamas) are sent on a secret mission to save the president's favorite scientist.Â It is not long before the soldiers arrive at the mysterious Snake Lake and discover more than they bargained for.Â They bargained for a by-the-books extraction, but they got a giant crocodile/spider hybrid that survives by having sex with human brains.Â They discover that the scientist is long dead, his brain having been made love to repeatedly ever since he arrived at Snake Lake.Â The origin of the Spidercroc is never discovered, although the cliffhanger ending suggests that maybe it doesn't matter.
ColossobugsColossobugs stars Lorenzo Lamas as Dr. Cortez, an evil scientist's best friend and scientist.Â In a freak lab accident, Cortez fuses together his evil scientist best friend, a couple of bugs, and a mountain.Â When the Colossobugs kidnap Cortez's childhood sweetheart Marianita, all bets are off because the Colossobugs take her to a casino and it is quickly closed.Â The casino owner does his best to get betting back on, but the Colossobugs eat his skin in a way that makes him really very dead.
ScorpiobotOn a routine pleasant walk through the woods (Lorenzo Lamas), a married couple stumbles upon nanobots and a scorpion.Â The couple mocks both of them, which they would eventually find out was a bad idea.Â Soon a Scorpiobot exists and there is a really childish name-calling session in the woods.Â Gladiators show up to save the day but they are killed by the Scorpiobot.Â Officials from a lab are supposed to be on their way to apprehend the Scorpiobot and it turns out they were very much on their way, because they show up at the end.Â They apprehend the Scorpiobot, who just wanted to know what it is to feel love.Â It never finds out.
HelletonsThe Devil (Lorenzo Lamas) sure is lonely in this romantic comedy about skeletons who are perfectly happy living in Hell.Â He falls in love with every skeleton he sees and rapes most of them.Â Some of those skeletons have skelebabies that quickly grow up to be helletons, whatever that means.Â It is not long before a group of scientist demons and military demons butt heads over what to do about the helleton problem, the problem being that no one knows what's wrong with having a bunch of helletons walking around.Â Seems like that would be a good thing for a place like Hell.
HMS Boomdoomer Vs. Admiral DoomboomerA genetically-altered submarine sits off the coast of Venezuela.Â It is hit by lightning and becomes self-aware.Â The man in charge, Admiral Doomboomer (Lorenzo Lamas), becomes even more self-aware than he already was.Â They battle each other because they are so, so bored.
Tyrannosaurus HexIn a world without dinosaurs, a group of scientists discovers dinosaurs.Â The scientists freak out until the smartest dinosaur calms them all down.Â The apparently super-intelligent dinosaurs mean them no harm, that is until the military steps in and acts like a bunch of major dicks.Â The scientists and the dinosaurs must work together to fight the military and a bunch of magicians made out of jellyfish.Â The whole thing somehow takes place in a really small cabin in the woods and it is written by the incomparable Lorenzo Lamas.
Freak CreekA group of bratty little kids skips the last day of school and stumbles upon an enchanted creek.Â One by one, they all drown.
Fuckin' Whatever, The MutantA group of young Olympic track and fielders find themselves not at the Olympics.Â Genetically-altered dolphins bats parakeets elephants corn attacks the team's genitals.Â It turns out they like it.Â Cameo from Lorenzo Lamas's balls.
Plenty of everyday things have weird connections to the Nazis.
The thing about plot twists is that they almost never make sense on repeat viewing.
Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.
The coolest thing about being famous is that you get access to other famous people just as interesting as you.