8 Ways To Make Yourself A Better Person (With Ben Affleck)

Since the plan is to go all out on Affleckology, we might as well start from the very beginning. Good Will Hunting wasn't Ben's first big break -- he'd had a prolific child actor career in the 1980s, and he was already a Kevin Smith mainstay when the movie came out -- but it was his first big hit, and one he Oscar-worthily co-wrote to boot. This may be a bit of a cheat, because as with all movies where Robin Williams sports a beard and a soulful gaze, the film is one big life lesson in itself. However, what stuck with me in particular was the "Best part of my day" speech Affleck's side character delivers to the titular character. Here:

The Life Lesson:

For those who didn't watch the clip: It's a short, vicious verbal bitch-slap Affleck's Chuckie Sullivan administers to Will Hunting because of the latter's unwillingness to use his genius intellect to escape their poor, blue-collar life. I'm no genius, and there's a chance that some of you reading this aren't either, but the same principle applies to us, too: If you're good at something, Ben Affleck double dares you to embrace it. Because if you don't, he's going to ring your doorbell two decades down the line and fuckin' kill you.

See? Already, the man is an inspiration to us all.

The Daredevil movie is a bit of a turd. No one's contesting this. A rewatch certainly doesn't help matters, especially as I'm foolishly sticking with the original instead of the vastly superior director's cut. But, when you get right down to it, is it really Ben Affleck's fault? No. He rocks the red gimp suit and Murdock persona in equal measures and does his best to hold his own against the dual cheese invasion of Colin Farrell's Bullseye and the late, great Michael Clarke Duncan's Kingpin.

You can practically taste the ham.

Yet, with little fault of his own, Affleck still bears the brunt of the dullness and disappointment associated with the movie. What's more, superhero movies offer precious few second chances, unless you're called Ryan Reynolds or Chris Evans. No matter how good Ben'll be as Batman, the world's default expectation after Daredevil is for him to fail. If Zack Snyder or, shit, anyone else fucks up even the slightest bit of Batman V Superman, we'll all be making smug little "Ha, Affleck fails at superheroing again" jokes all year long. I'll bet you the entire left testicle of the guy sitting next to me on the subway right now. Yes, I'm talking about you, Matt. That's what you get for reading other people's laptop screens, Matt.

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Fuck you, Matt.

The Life Lesson:

Sometimes people will blame you for others' mistakes, especially if you happen to be prancing all over the disaster area in a skin-tight leather bodysuit. You'll just have to learn to roll with the punches and rise again.

It is amid this profitable yet messy soup of disaster-movie cliches that Ben Affleck found himself, tasked with playing as big of a strong-jawed all-American hero as is possible in a movie that already features Bruce Willis. He did all right. Sometimes, you just have to do your best with the cards you've been dealt. And, really, isn't the willingness to do that admirable in itself?

The Life Lesson:

In a Bay movie? Hahaha, nope!

But isn't that how it always is? We're all but one step away from being seen as total dickwads by our peers, if we don't keep track of where we're going and how we're doing it. Sure, Bartleby's example may be a tad heavy-handed, but the same applies even without rampant mass murder. Basic, everyday failures like blocking the escalator or making your presentation more long-winded than you intended can easily make you the villain in someone's eyes.

The Life Lesson:

Know what you're doing and what your actions can cause. Even the most well-meaning person on Earth can become a monster in others' eyes if he doesn't pay attention to the path he's on. Seriously, Matt, back off from my screen. So help me, I will spin-kick you right out of the window.

I'm not watching this movie. Fuck you.

The Life Lesson:

Some tasks are just too hard to accomplish on your own, and that's OK.

Once or twice, I needed to check that he's the same person who was playing an angel in Dogma; that's how good he is.

Seems to check out!

The Life Lesson:

Sometimes, it's all right to kill and impersonate your best friend in order to gain his fame and fortune.

Hey, wait. That's a fuck-awful lesson. Don't do that. I can come up with a better one, Matt, don't post that ye-

But I can fix this shit. Bob Abflex still has plenty of good movies I've yet to ... Argo! That's right, Matt, we still have Argo!

Despite its many inaccuracies, the film is a solid piece of work not unlike the ones Clint Eastwood used to make before his talking-to-the-chair phase: a big old whoppin' actor-director monster made of 'Murica and tension sharp enough to cut the award party cake with. And it did win, like, half the awards available in 2012, which is excellent news, because the guy has a beard and I have a beard, so there must be a correlation. Fucking Aff Benfleck keeps stealin' my awards.

Warner Bros. Pictures
Beard.

Right, and my beard. Thanks, Matt.

Fuckin' Matt.

The Life Lesson:

[When men in uniforms gently escort you away from the subway because you've been riding up and down the Red Line all day, blasting movies on your laptop while screaming threats at an imaginary guy named Matt with a terrible Boston accent, please refrain from trying to punch them in the dick in the hopes that they'll tase your liquor for "that extra kick."

This message was brought to you by Officer Vaughan, BPD.

Also, can someone please come and pick this guy up ASAP? He bites and kicks so bad that we couldn't even take his laptop and flasks away, and the other people in the holding cell are complaining that the movie he keeps watching over and over is violating the Geneva Conventions.]