People use these for practical fireplace reasons, too? News to me.
Here's the hard part: You wait. In any horror movie when you go looking to investigate the sound, the scary son of a bitch gets the drop on you because he just started a game of Tic-Tac-Toe and put his X down before you even saw the game board. Fuck that game, we're playing Monopoly now and you got the car. So give him the shitty thimble. Wait him out. He can't hide in your closet forever. Within a half hour, he's going to start feeling like a real asshole. Keep in mind, as a maniac, he probably has a lot of patience but he's still going to be second-guessing himself if he sets the trap and you don't take the bait. Then, if he pops out to see if you're still there, you leap like a gazelle from behind the sofa and rain holy hell down on his melon.
This is going to be a challenge for even the best of us, but probably the most important thing you need to possess in order to survive any and all horror situations is a calm demeanor. Especially if your horror manifestation involves creepy hellscapes like Hellraiser or you start seeing crazy, awful shit like in The Ring and Bethany, all up in your grill with their drippy tentacles and testicles.
When you can't be sure if the things you see are real or not real, you need to go inward. Get full on Cartesian. "I think therefore I am" is all you need to see you through the night. You know you're you, assume everything else is a load of paranormal horse puckey. The moment you question everything is the moment nothing has the edge on you. Is this creepy ghost in the shower real or in my imagination? Well who the fuck cares now? It's going to jump scare you and probably disappear. Don't fall for the shock and awe.
You can handle any abandoned mental hospital if you've got a solid grasp of feng shui.
Panic and bewilderment is the chief weapon of every sinister force of douchery. Nine times out of ten, those ghostly sons of guns don't even lay hands on you, they just trick you into doing something silly that gets you killed. Of course, if your adversary is flesh and blood, you may need to be a little more pro-active in your survival technique, as you need to dodge those knife slashes and jump from windows, but keeping your head on your shoulders literally involves keeping it there figuratively. You can do it. I have faith in you.
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For more check out 5 Terrifying Implications of Surviving a Horror Movie and The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters.
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