A wise and sagely woman once posited that heaven is a place on a Earth. And if that's true, then hell is just two exits down on the left. Oh, it exists, do not doubt it. It's real, it's right here and I have the goddamn pictures to prove it. Literally. These are images damned by God.
"Welp, looks like we've angered the Hellephant again. Water? Ha ha ha! What the fuck, Steve?! Is this your first day? No. Bill, you break out the iron cruciforms. Gus, start stabbing the hoses into virgins. Carl, I'm so sorry -- you're on Batchild patrol."
This is actually an undoctored picture of a
This is what happens immediately after you finish signing that contract with Satan, and all you're left with is a mysteriously echoing laugh. This is the Fourth Sign of the Coming, right before the ground starts bleeding but just after all cats disappear from the Earth. This is how you know God is displeased with your selection of Pope.
OK, so it's actually a picture of
What, you thought I was kidding about the Dark Eclipse coming right before the Earth starts bleeding? What kind of horrible jackass would joke about something like that?
This is a picture of, no shit,
So, there's a place called Blood Falls, located on the frozen, cruel and empty continent of Antarctica, that contains strange life forms which have been sealed away for untold ages, and have now awoken and spilled forth onto the world. Oh yeah, and they'll probably be the last things alive on the planet.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have done a great disservice to a man; all this time, H.P. Lovecraft was writing
Let's be fair: This is just a portrait of
This is most likely a common skin condition called a cutaneous horn, which is basically just compacted keratin -- the same protein in hair and nails -- protruding from the epidermis. If this is indeed a cutaneous horn, they're often benign and can usually be removed surgically. Though that does not treat the underlying cause, which is either excessive sun exposure to already damaged skin, or the devil coming to live inside the empty shells left behind by suicides.
If doves are the messengers of the Lord, then the
It won't hurt you at all. It needs you.
It might ask you to hurt others, though. Oh, softly enough at first, in half-heard whispers borne on the wind, but they will grow louder, more frequent and more insistent -- until one day you wake up to find yourself in a bathtub filled with liquid that used to be your family. And what will the Satanic Leaf Tailed Gecko do? Why, just take a gander at that picture again: It will smile, friends. It will
This is either a picture of the exact moment that Satan busted out his hot rod and started tearing ass into the apocalypse, or else poor Marty's stuck right at 87 MPH again. This photo was
Or hey, maybe it just looks bitchin' and I'm trying to show you a neat picture. Either way -- shut up, hypothetical reader. God, you are being
The entrance to hell is a labyrinth. A vast, snaking maze of caverns bathed in fire, where the lost and the damned wander, uncertain and afraid, for untold eons. The fires burn so hot and for so long in those twisted, screaming caves that the rock itself melts and drips down like water. The burning liquid passes through skin like air; it fuses to bone.
This is the only rain in hell.
And the crazy thing? That's
The fort still stands exactly like this today. You know, just in case you're ever overwhelmed by the temptation of sin and want to remind yourself where you'll be spending eternity should you fail to mend your lustful ways.
There are many different versions of the devil, and many interpretations of what it means for him to walk the Earth. Some say he is but a corruption of our best intentions, and that we invite him in when we are dishonest. Others say that Satan is a literal being, but it's his son who will return to the world, born of a woman to trick us into believing he is human. Me? I say the devil is like Shaft: Just ain't no need to be subtle when you're a badass motherfucker and everybody knows it. He's going to kick open the doors of hell and charge in, guns blazing and guitars wailing. And by the looks of these pictures, that happened a long time ago:
This is an area outside of Darvaz in Uzbekistan. The locals call it (surprise!)
That was 35 years ago; it has burned ever since.
"Whut? So we inadvertantly shatter bonds holding shut doors of hell. How would YOU get equipment back- gas masks? Ha! Mess up your hair. Cannot go clubbing afterward."
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you could just find religion (PROTIP: Don't look directly for it. You've got to kind of unfocus your eyes a little. Like, look in the middle distance - it'll just kind of pop up.)