Chris Bucholz
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Well, it's finally happened. Your master, who taught you everything you know, who spent countless hours snatching pebbles away from you while laughing in your face, has up and gotten themselves murdered. Or kidnapped. Or humiliated. Something. Whatever befell them -- parking tickets? -- they now need to be avenged. And you're the one to do it.
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"I WILL RAIN FIRE IN YOUR NAME, MR. JENKINS."
As someone who's been raised by dozens of canceled television programs over the years, I know what it's like to lose a master. And as someone who's filled hundreds of small, spiral-bound notebooks with revenge fantasies, I think I'm qualified to help. So here we are.
But first, let's clarify what, specifically, you're avenging your master for. After all, in this day and age, masters can come in a variety of forms. Was your master a kung fu expert who was brutally slain in a duel by your twin brother Gwayne? Or was your master more of a workplace mentor who was brutally humiliated while delivering an important PowerPoint presentation by your other twin brother, Mancel? You'll find that all master-mastee relationships are derivatives of one of those two archetypes, so consider which circumstance applies to you before proceeding with the next step.
If Your Master Was Killed In A Duel
You're going to use violence to avenge them.
If Your Master Was Humiliated While Delivering A PowerPoint Presentation
Also violence.
So, with that settled, let's press on to the specific tips. First, remember that ...
The advantage of having a master is that with their help you can learn far more rapidly than you could on your own.
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Repeatedly punching a mirror is widely regarded as a Not Good way of learning
in the martial arts community.
The downside to having a master is that they can't teach you things they don't know. And as your mind will be occupied digesting the things they are teaching you, there's a good chance you won't be able to correct or even see any gaps in their instruction. Any weaknesses your master possesses are now your own, which is going to be a problem, because it was probably those weaknesses that got your master or their career or whatever so butchered in the first place.
Now that you know you have weaknesses, you weakling, you also have the outline for a training plan. Whatever it is that you and your master aren't any good at, that's what you need to train yourself on.
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All of it. Nuclear physics, early Medieval French, haberdashery.
As this might be the first time you've trained without the help of a master, you'll probably struggle at first. That's OK, actually, and if it helps, make sure to choke back some tears and pound your fists against something. This activates the training glands in your eyes and fists, increasing your learning potential. Also, you might find it helps to tie part of your master's clothing around yourself to remind you of them and also stop other people in the office from interrupting you.
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"It's Monday, so don't even talk to me until I've had my vengeance, Debra."
With that done, you're now ready to confront your enemy. Where you must be sure that you ...
You're not ready for it. Whether it's an ancient technique that sends all of your Chi into a powerful kick ...
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... or powerful star-wipe transition ...
... you simply cannot handle its power. Your master was right to caution you. Don't betray their memory!
People who humiliate or murder people love talking about it. It makes them feel good about themselves, and with the right provocation -- "How did you feel when you murdered my master?" -- you can get them to launch into a lengthy monologue on the subject.
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Gwayne: "Actually, I'm glad you asked."
Once they start talking, you'll have time to prepare for the coming confrontation. This might involve gentle stretching, distributing handouts of the slides you've prepared for your Presentation of Reprisal, or dipping your tar-covered hands in broken glass.
Now is the time! While the crowd of business-people/Asian gamblers screams and waves betting slips, use everything your master taught you, except for the ineffective parts that failed them, to defeat your enemy!
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Grapple as you've never grappled before!
You're doing it! You're going to win!
Oh.
Unfortunately, it's inevitable that when avenging your master you will be laid low by the same blow that killed them or ruined their whole business case. Vengeance scientists call this the Law of Dramatic Setback, and it appears to be woven into the very fabric of the universe.
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The discipline of vengeance science is not for the weak.
But because you had the foresight and indeed wisdom to read Cracked for hours of every working day, you knew this was coming. So don't panic, and accept your wounds and cutting insults gracefully, biding your time until you can deploy your secret weapon.
Which means you now have to ...
Huge, salty tears are completely unexpected in most vengeance/business settings, and many people won't know how to handle them. Disgust, obviously, that you would debase yourself so comprehensively. Expect to get spit upon or have gum put in your hair.
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Or be pelted with mediocre little sandwiches.
More importantly, though, crying triggers very predictable responses in those who witness it. They will immediately feel superior to you, as they should, because they're not crying and you are. But feeling superior to someone makes it much easier to underestimate them, which you will soon turn to your advantage.
Now, while your foe has turned their back in disgust at your sandwich-covered form! How your forbidden technique works will depend a lot on the school your master comes from, so I'll leave it up to you to decide how best to deploy this leg sweep, regression analysis, or overhead machete strike.
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In retrospect, your workplace mentor may not have actually been employed there.
And now that your cries of fear have been replaced with cries of bloodlust, and everyone's cheering your name, you'll have done it. Your master, the weakling, has been avenged. You now have the right to wear their clothes around the dojo/office and, in time, become a master yourself.
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"WHO HAS THE FORTITUDE TO TRAIN AT MY FEET?"
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and constantly surrounded by people wishing to train at his feet. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Learn more from the Chris Bucholz school of combat in So You're In A Fight To The Death In A Hall Of Mirrors, and make sure to get a good lawyer after you read 5 Ways To Attack Children With A Stick.
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