It's almost as if the people making these DC films have no f*****g clue what they're doing. Meanwhile, in a faraway land where movies aren't terrible, we're seeing other filmmakers use the Internet more and more to communicate with fans. That isn't to say they should do everything we ask, but when Michael Bay & Friends were faced with insurmountable online backlash for trying to make the Ninja Turtles into space aliens, they actually went back in and changed it. Did it make a perfect film? Yeah, no. But thanks to fan feedback, the upcoming sequel is actually making efforts to steer the franchise in the right direction with a sane-looking Shredder and more focus on the turtles as main characters. Also, f*****g Bebop and Rocksteady driving a goddamn tank.
If we're not careful, we may actually see this movie on purpose.
It's a tank, you guys. In what looks like f*****g whitewater rapids. What the f**k are they doing in all that whitewater rapids? Who gives a f**k? I know I've gone on and on about the reality disconnect of CGI, but this is the f*****g Ninja Turtles -- a series for children that gets more disturbing the more photoreal it gets. Isn't it nice to know that when audiences said that Shredder looked like crap, they actually did something about it? Isn't it nice to know that when Neill Blomkamp told everyone about the Alien film he wanted to do, we made enough Twitter chatter that the studio seriously considered it?
I know it sounds cynical to say that these reboots and adaptations are all just pandering to fan bases and escapism, but they kind of are. So if we're gonna make a Superman film every damn year, they might as well ask us what we want to see first. Because I guarantee the popular vote isn't "a confounding jumble of rubble and torment in perpetual darkness." We're already gonna get enough of that if Trump wins.
David is a Cracked columnist, researcher, and editor. Hit him up on the Twitter.
What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9 at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!
Psst ... want to give us feedback on the super-secret beta launch of the upcoming Cracked spin-off site, Braindrop? Well, simply follow us behind this curtain. Or, you know, click here: Braindrop.
For more things Hollywood needs to give up on, check out 5 Annoying Trends That Make Every Movie Look The Same and 4 Trends Hollywood Needs To Admit They Were Wrong About.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 4 Simple Things Hollywood Thinks Are Difficult, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also, follow us on Facebook, because there's, like, a lot of super cool stuff happening over there.