The trick to this is to simply give people new names, ones you do remember, ensuring that you'll never forget a name again. Admittedly, we're well past the stage where you'd even notice the conventional benefits of remembering someone's name, but you can be sure your subjects will feel a different, no less valid type of gratitude upon receiving a new handpicked name for themselves.
"Yes, sir. My parents should have named me Trashass in the first place."
Repeat Their Name Back To Them, All Of Them
In the same way that repeating a name helps you remember it, repeating a rename means you'll only have to memorize this once.
Soon, you shall all be Trashasses.
Be careful picking something too clever here. A joke name will be funny the first or second or 30th time you hear it, but it will eventually wear out its welcome. I'd suggest, master, that you consider something a little more mundane. "Barry," for example.
A Barry in the streets and a Barry in the sheets.
Now you'll never forget anyone's name again -- meaning no more memorization, awkward pauses, or writing names in blood.
You still will, though, for despot reasons. You've got work to do, after all.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, and will respond to whatever you want to call him. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available right now! Holy shit! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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