The espresso is, I guess, intended to be a punishment for the parents of the young children, forcing them to deal with a caffeinated kid. And OK, sure, nice one, coffee shop proprietor. But, why involve a kitten? Aside from the fact that giving a cat to a family that doesn't want it is pretty cruel to the cat, offering pets to children is classic man-in-a-windowless-van behavior. That shit will get you arrested and is no way to run a business.

What Probably Happened Here:

So, we've got a coffee shop owner, who is apparently exhausted with dealing with gangs of unattended children, has a steady supply of cats, and is unconcerned with being thought a pedophile. This means they're either a child themselves or a genderless robot that has started a coffee shop near a daycare as a way of humanely dealing with the product of their failed kitten mill.

There is no other rational answer.

Farts. Now, a common feature of passive-aggressive notes is that they're addressed quite vaguely ("to the person who ... "), even though the writer often has a pretty clear idea who specifically is the culprit. That doesn't seem to be the case here, suggesting this isn't a store that has a single, powerful, and bloated enemy. Something else is going on entirely.

What Probably Happened Here:

Farts are, of course, a criminal offense, but they're such a minor one (victims usually survive) that authorities rarely dedicate many resources to prosecuting them. But, that reasoning falls apart when one person is victimized repeatedly by many individual offenders. Although each criminal is individually not worth pursuing, the accumulated damage can be quite significant.

That's what I think is happening here. A gang of, let's say, unattended children again, are repeatedly entering this store and farting by the ice cream, doing untold damage to employee health, paint color, and, of course, the fabric of society.

And, I guess, like many things, the boob can get sweaty and cause anything stored nearby to get soggy -- seems like it could be a problem. I can imagine I wouldn't want to deal with any soggy bills, and this store seems to feel the same way.

What Probably Happened Here:

The reasonable answer is that this convenience store is on a route frequented by joggers, who stop by for ... cigarettes, it looks like. And because they're wearing jogging clothes with no pockets, they're pulling money out of their socks or bras. This actually sounds like a best-case scenario when considering the set of locations money could be extracted from.

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We could have this problem again.

... oh no, apparently, I can go fuck myself. Neat.

One can imagine what the situation is here. Someone with some probably not-great facial hair has rocked up to the clerk at a used CD store, with a list of insanely rare albums he's trying to find. And as much as the clerk wants to help out, there's all the other customers that require attention as well. And this isn't the first time hairbeard has struck, hence the sign.

Yeah, that totally makes sense.

What Probably Happened Here:

Unless it's something insane, instead. Maybe this store is in a neighborhood frequented by sphinxes who, being full of love for rare LPs, riddles, and treachery, regularly tie up the store's staff with their fiendish questions and also sometimes devour them when they fail to answer correctly.

Yeah, I'd put up a sign too, I guess.

What Probably Happened Here:

So, although we know what happened here, we don't know who hurt you, Airbnb? Did you and a business partner tearfully break up that day, and you couldn't even deal right then? Did Mombnb and Dadbnb leave you unattended somewhere? Is someone constantly farting near you?

Well, that openly hostile burger situation sure left me stressed out. I could use a place to unwind and check the hot content that's online. Hey, here looks nice ...

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... ugh.

It's easy to see why coffee shops have mixed feelings about Wi-Fi. On one hand, it gives people another reason to visit their shop and linger there -- I've done some of my best work in these places -- all the while exposed to the delicious smells of things for sale. On the other hand, Wi-Fi users take up space, often for great periods of time, while contributing minimal revenue. I can certainly see why a coffee shop would decide against it. A sign like this makes a lot of sense.

Except for the "Go Talk To Each Other." That part is so dickish, it has bulging veins.

I don't talk to people in coffee shops, and the main reason for that is because I don't know them. Sure, maybe if I kept going to the same place every day, I might do that. But, this is the real world, not the set of a sitcom.

What Probably Happened Here:

These people imagined their coffee shop would be the set of a sitcom: Implausibly attractive people having witty conversations on the big couch in the middle of the room and, oh my goodness, the comic misunderstandings they have! How disappointing the real world must be to the owners of this place.

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Real coffee drinkers are basically goblins by comparison.