8 Impressively Sarcastic Amazon Product Reviews (Part 3)

I've noticed in the time since my first two Amazon review articles that the whole "fake funny Amazon review" thing has really become an established phenomenon, with its own in-jokes, cliches and traditions, which in a way makes me a little sad. I hate the "This was so much better before it went mainstream" attitude, and I'm glad more people are enjoying the occasional unexpected laugh in the course of their shopping experience, but the reality is that more participants lead to more repetition.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

So you get a lot of generic jokes about the magical properties of an item. It's funny and unexpected the first time, but after a few hundred variations of the same basic joke, you get critical and picky, and you feel more like you're auditioning a bunch of writers to see who can write the best "magical HDMI cable" joke than like you're stumbling across that silly idea and being genuinely tickled.

Getty

"I can't choose between the one who said it cured her cancer, the one who said it cured her AIDS and the one who said it cured her cancer and her AIDS."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

And I don't know about anyone else, but slipping in a reference to the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt, or any other classic Amazon joke-review item, just ruins any humorous story-driven review for me. It's like winking continuously at the camera during a Saturday Night Live skit. Sarcasm is a great performer, people, but he is sad and lonely without his partner, Deadpan.

That said, there's still plenty of originality and creativity in the world of silly reviews -- it just takes a little more digging to find it. Here's a few examples:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Advertisement

8
Officially Licensed Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket With Medal of Yavin


Officially Licensed Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket With Medal of Yavin

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Now there are a lot of joke opportunities to be had in an Officially Licensed Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket With Medal of Yavin. You really have to sit down and think about what direction you want to take. Do you want to make the predictable joke about how you put on the jacket and turned into Luke Skywalker or exhibited characteristics that Luke Skywalker exhibited in the movies? Half the reviewers did. I'm not even sure if I find that joke funny or not because seeing it repeated 15 times tends to bias you.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

So that's where I thought this one was going:

Fortunately not.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Another way to go is the "making fun of nerds with brutal sarcasm" route. You can aim for straight-up mean:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Or a more subtle character piece:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Or take the other side and tell those Star Wars bashers what's what:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

How is that different from the other "this jacket turns you into Luke" reviews, you might wonder. Well, context -- it's framed as a serious defense against the "Ha! NERDS!" reviews -- and deadpan delivery. Maybe it's just me, but a lot of the other stories give me the vibe that the writer was giggling while typing his own joke.

And finally, I had to laugh at this one because this is the last place I was expecting a Star Trek fan to sneak in a shot at Star Wars.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

The only thing that bugs me is that I feel like Spock would be a better speller, but whatever, I'm already being way too picky about free reading material.

7
MHP The Sandler All Wood Coffin Kit


The Sandler All Wood Coffin Kit

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Yes, this is an actual pine coffin for sale. No, I don't know why someone would buy a pine coffin off of Amazon. I thought the "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed" section would help, but it just made things more confusing.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

This indicates that either a lot of joke review connoisseurs were hitting this item on their way to other joke items or that someone is planning to kill his wife by gassing the house and protecting himself with a gas mask and then burying her in elf shoes. Perhaps he could never talk her into wearing elf shoes while she was alive, and this is the only way.

"That's stupid," you might say, because it is stupid. But this review seems to indicate that spouse-murdering has occurred to at least one purchaser:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

So who's stupid now? Probably still me. But this coffin appeals to not only to those who are about to be dead, but also those who are already dead. Now I'm just as tired as anyone else of throwaway zombie/vampire jokes where people think just mentioning zombies or vampires automatically makes something funny, but some of the zombie/vampire reviews here actually bring up good points about why a flimsy wooden coffin might be good or bad for different types of undead. Such as this one:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

I don't think they've settled the issue, but it does make you think, and it can be a good jumping-off point for a real discussion about the pros and cons of different coffins for different types of undead. I myself have been really guilty of lumping all the undead together when it comes to the coffin issue and never really thought about their unique needs.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

This review in particular really opened my eyes:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

I mean seriously, how would he get it down there? You don't think about that sort of thing, right? These are the kinds of situations where you need feedback from real customers who are using your product out there in the field.

6
Relaxman Relaxation Capsule


Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

The obvious joke here is about how it looks like a spaceship or other sci-fi device, and how it transports you to a virtual reality world or something. That concept could be funny and interesting in the right hands, but nobody here is exactly Philip K. Dick or anything, so those reviews didn't really do it for me.

I am, however, always a sucker for a simple misunderstood-instructions joke:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

And there's nothing like good old-fashioned biting sarcasm about the usefulness of the product:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Probably one of the better short-story-form reviews is this one, slightly more grounded in reality than the average "transported to another dimension" yarn and probably the better for it.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Not only is it an interesting story, but it also brings up a common human dilemma that many of us face -- whether the life of a human being is worth as much to us as their collection of Batman comics. And it doesn't just apply to neighbors with Batman comics. It applies to anyone in our lives with a collection of Superman comics, or Marvel comics, or manga, or any type of graphic novel media.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

5
Ready America 77100 Cat Evacuation Kit


Ready America 77100 Cat Evacuation Kit

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Your first thought might be, "Is this a joke product?" No, you a*****e. Some people, when faced with a fire or earthquake, might want to leave the house with their cat safely restrained and well-supplied instead of releasing it into the street to be run over by an arriving emergency vehicle. Maybe this product isn't for you if you like to throw your cat into the path of approaching fire trucks, but some people can make use of it.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Sorry, I'm supposed to be presenting sarcastic reviews, not writing them. As you can guess, most of the jokes come from misunderstood instructions, although each of these reviewers decided to go a different direction.


Artist's conception.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Taking a completely different route, another reviewer explores the alternate meaning of "evacuate":

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

And finally, someone who may have ordered entirely the wrong product:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

4
How to Live With a Huge Penis


How to Live With a Huge Penis

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Your first thought here might be, "I want to ask if this is a joke product, but I'm afraid you're going to call me an a*****e again out of nowhere. That was really weird and rude." Sorry, sometimes I get carried away. This is a joke product.

So we have a couple of jokes that bring up some unconventional ways for a penis to be "huge":


"Ladies ...?"

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

That one has a pretty good follow-up comment:


"Ladies ...?"

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

This next diatribe about the trials of having a big penis would probably make a good stand-up comedy bit. It's sort of like an X-rated version of a Paul Bunyan tall tale. It's pretty long (pause for reader to interject penis joke), so I've cut out a few choice excerpts.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

3
Accoutrements Horse Head Mask


Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

The picture alone is pretty funny, so you'd think this would be a gold mine of comedic reviews. Unfortunately no. Here's a breakdown:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

  • 6 Sarah Jessica Parker jokes
  • 1 Sarah Jessica Parker joke with Ann Coulter swapped in
  • 3 Godfather jokes
  • 13 "I put on the mask and it turned me into a horse" jokes
  • ~50 serious reviews

Amazon user David Skwirut

Fortunately there is more variety in the image gallery. I recommend a look.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

I understand that if people are actually buying a product, serious reviews are actually helpful, so fine. But 13 "I turned into a horse" reviews? Really? Do you think it gets funnier after the 10th time?

And I've kind of had it up to here with Sarah Jessica Parker jokes. We get it. It's funny that a horse is cast in human roles in a variety of television shows and movies, and it's funny that they write it so that all the other characters talk to it like it's a human. I just don't get what's so funny about repeating the same joke the show is making. It's like expecting laughs when you point out that Mr. Ed is a horse. Duh. That's the point of the show.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

However, I am OK with repeated Godfather jokes because The Godfather was a masterpiece and you can never have enough Godfather references.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

If you think that I am displaying a double standard in allowing Godfather jokes, then you are probably racist against Italians. Here is a non-Godfather one:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

I like it better without the title, when it just seems like he was wearing a horse head mask, cruising down the highway and minding his own business when Johnny Law came along and steamrolled his rights. This is also a good one:

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

If you need a refresher on what the mask looks like:

Via Peter A. Kemmer

Safe from the mob!

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

2
Certified Diamond


Certified Diamond (Heart, Good Cut, 8.00 Carats, D Color, IF Clarity)

The first thing you need to know is that this diamond was listed for just shy of $1 million, but thanks to some party poopers, it's now listed as "Currently unavailable."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

That should set you up to enjoy the teamwork exhibited in this fine two-part story of riches gained and lost.

I kind of want to see the story continue, but I'm afraid it would just end

To turn on reply notifications, click here

733 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

4 Crazy Ways The Human Body's Changing In Our Own Lifetimes

Our bodies are changing.

125

5 Celebrities With Arguably More Interesting Parents

Many of today's celebrities have some real surprises in their family trees.

81

5 Meltdowns That Went Viral Before The Internet Existed

Everybody loves a good old-fashioned meltdown.

86

5 Iconic Movies Saved By Last-Minute Changes

Some of your favorite movie moments were added months after everyone went home.

109

5 'Romantic Triangle' Characters We Just Feel Sorry For

Fictional love triangles are always a rigged game.

150

5 Actors Who Keep Playing Weirdly Specific Roles

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

84