Once the president got off, the elevator operator decided to follow him and take pictures. Now, if you were a Secret Service agent and noticed the shifty elevator guy stalking the president, you'd probably tackle him, break his phone and the hand that held it, and immediately order your fellow officers to surround the president and ensure his safety, right? Well, no, you wouldn't do that, because you're in the Secret Service and you are shockingly irresponsible. They actually just let the guy take picture after picture of their boss, presumably because he was just so excited to do it. Normal people don't tell children there's no Santa Claus; these guys don't tell weirdos with cellphones not to Instagram the president.

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Yes, Virginia, there is a flattering filter.

Upon returning to his elevator and realizing he had nobody to elevate, he returned for yet another photo session, in case he hadn't properly captured Obama's good side. FINALLY, a Secret Service member realized this guy shouldn't be there and kicked him out. But, even then, they didn't know about the gun until later, when the guy's boss learned of what had happened and ordered the man to turn in his weapon.

At this point, the Secret Service had only one skin-saving option left: Don't tell the president. And they even fucked that up -- director Julia Pierson insisted, in sworn testimony, that she briefed the president "100 percent of the time" after a security breach and that she had briefed the president about only one security breach that year (but didn't mentioned the elevator story). Hours later, the media mentioned the elevator story. This is why Julia Pierson has lots of free time lately.

It's rare that someone shoots at the White House (don't take that as a challenge), but you would still think that the Secret Service would absolutely be prepared for days like Nov. 11, 2011, when somebody did. And yet, on that day, the agency reacted exactly like a confused dog who just farted himself out of a sound sleep.

Oscar Ortega-Hernandez was a terrorist who considered himself Jesus, on a "mission from God" to murder President Obama, whom he deemed the "anti-Christ." The Good Lord's weapon of choice was an assault rifle, with which he fired at least eight bullets into the White House. Fortunately, neither the president nor the first lady were home. Unfortunately, Sasha Obama was, with Malia due back at any time. Even more unfortunately, the Secret Service -- who heard shots and even had one come within 20 feet of them -- completely dismissed the incident. "No shots have been fired. Stand down," ordered the supervising agent, who concluded that nearby construction equipment had simply backfired. Eight times.

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"And if anything else happens while I'm off getting sloshed at the Chug & Spew, it's also construction."

Eventually (as in four fucking days later), they realized the sounds didn't come from the rusted-out muffler of a shitty old tractor. And by "they," I mean Obama's housekeepers and ushers. They found the evidence of an attempted assassination, not anybody trained to do so. An usher named Reginald Dickson found broken glass, holes in the windows, and a piece of wood with a bullet still lodged in it. Another housekeeper found busted concrete nearby. Realizing this wasn't the typical mess caused by rambunctious preteens, they reported it to the Secret Service, who only then realized how massively they had fucked up. Luckily, Machine Gun Jesus was just as shitty at being a fugitive, and he was swiftly arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison.

U.S. Marshals
He died inside for our sins.

So what's worse than Alfred accidentally doing Batman's job for him? How about the Service's inspection branch waiting THREE YEARS to investigate this incident, and only doing so because the Washington Post reported on it first? And then waiting a month after THAT to actually begin, you know, investigating?

They finally stopped about a hundred yards later and admitted to officers they were drunk. And yet, nobody arrested them, because their goddamn supervisor forbade it. This is presumably the same supervisor who forgot to report the incident to literally anybody. Secret Service director Joe Clancy only learned about it thanks to an anonymous email almost a week later.

If Hollywood's stuck on a plot for Horrible Bosses 3, there's some inspiration.

Eventually, someone did realize this guy didn't belong: a White House staffer. As in, not someone paid to keep the president safe. No word on the exact size of the asshole that Obama tore his security team, but I'm guessing they now have a body cavity that fits headshots of all 435 congresspeople. Not that the Secret Service will admit their faux pas -- a spokesman insists everybody did their job and that "this guy went through security, fully screened." Apparently, screening for the right people was above their pay grade.

Shockingly, a top-secret database run via honor system has seen its share of unscrupulous agents abuse it for their own, extraordinarily selfish and stupid gains. In 2013, for example, an agent used the MCI to find the personal data of a woman he had once asked out on a date. He then sought a second chance by flying from his NYC office to California, knocking on her door, and asking her out. Amazingly, she didn't immediately drop her panties at his advanced stalking techniques, but instead called the cops.

Or how about April of 2015, when 45 agents used the MCI to dig for dirt on Congressman Jason Chaffetz, looking for revenge for his investigations into the Secret Service that spawned the report that spawned the article you're currently neglecting your family over. Their own director, Joseph Clancy, publicly calling this event "reprehensible, disturbing, [and] embarrassing" didn't help, either, though nobody's sure if he was talking about the snooping, or the computersaurus they did it on. Probably both.

Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Director Clancy, seen here wondering if that Dairy Queen application he filled out in 1962 is still good.

So when exactly did the once feared and respected Secret Service devolve into a gaggle of barely warm bodies, worse at focusing on their job than a pro wrestling referee? Around the time the people who hired them became shit at their jobs too, apparently ...

As with all serious employment opportunities, the first step in this process is to weed through applications sent in by people who read a URL on the bumper of a squad car. Seriously.

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Our leader's life could be in the hands of some tailgater sporting Truck Nutz and a Peeing Calvin decal.

That's one step above an intern dancing around D.C. with a sandwich board reading, "WANNA PROTECT THE PREZ? SIGN UP HERE!!" while dressed up as the Statue of Liberty. Even the Congressional report rolled its bureaucratic eyes and sighed eternally: "It does not help that, instead of spending the time to target qualified applicants, USSS advertises for open positions on the back of their government vehicles."

Also, small details like background checks and "Are you a citizen?" don't appear until months into the application process, after the agency has already spent untold amounts of money processing it. In many cases, they only come after extending a job offer.

Of course, those elite percent of a percent that get offered a job aren't even the best candidates, just the ones that are best at filling out paperwork and passing a polygraph. Yes, A FUCKING POLYGRAPH. In 2015, the agency dedicated to protecting our country's leader still vets its job applicants using the same inadmissible-in-court quack machine that Maury uses to determine who Daddied and who didn't. Why not pay some Wonder Woman cosplayer to use her Lasso of Truth on all potential hires while you're at it? She might have actually caught the agent who got hired (and even received security clearance) despite not actually being a U.S. citizen. Oh, he said he was, and he did so confidently enough that the lie detector didn't catch him, but that didn't change the fact that he didn't actually get around to becoming a citizen until 2010, years after he got the job.

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His results also confirmed that he totally banged Selena Gomez and she loved it, bro.

They're in such a rush to hire people, not only do they hire the wrong ones, they then toss them into important positions before they have the security authorization to be there. Unless they are all lying from application to hire, that's apparently the Golden Ticket to more clearance than the Neptunians who run Area 51*.

Jason [REDACTED] while researching this article. It totally [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] him on Facebook, Twitter, and [REDACTED], so you and he can [REDACTED] together.

*I have just been informed by [REDACTED] that there are no Neptunians, or that the Neptunians are our friends. I forget which one. Either way, nothing to worry about, sorry to have startled you. Go back to sleep.

We've had our run-ins with the Secret Service before. See the showdown between them and Dan O'Brien in How A Comedy Article Got Me Placed On The No-Fly List, and learn why the bumbling Secret Service would be no match for Canadian Mounties in 6 Organizations You Didn't Know Were Secretly Badass. Just more evidence that Canada is clearly positioning themselves for a hostile takeover of America.

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