8 Hilariously Insane Examples of Vladimir Putin Propaganda
Propaganda is like nuclear material: It can completely change the political landscape, it goes scarily out of control when you have too much of it, and Russia has way more than too much of it. When America wanted an action hero as president, they filmed Air Force One. According to the stories coming out of Russia, such effort is unnecessary when your country is run by Vladimir Putin. This is a man who can't even go diving without finding ancient Greek amphorae, and is so photogenic they've been magically scrubbed clean before he reaches the surface. The fact that government agents clearly planted the relics only makes it more impressive. He has operatives who secretly SCUBA to plant artifacts in the Black Sea, and instead of sending them to Tomb Raid or kill James Bond, he told them, "Your mission is to turn the rest of my life into a Make-a-Wish foundation highlight video."We've seen his
A Thousand Breasts For PutinOne man was allowed to grab a thousand breasts in a row because Putin. That was his entire strategy. Russian comedian Sam Nickel had a chance to shake hands with the Russian prime minister, wanted to pass on two kilotits of "positive energy and tactile experience" through his hands and kept a straight face while explaining that to a thousand women. He maintained a fierce scowl of concentration throughout the project, possibly to prevent himself from giggling, "It's working!"
Here a fat sumo really would be a combo breaker.
Most world leaders are drawn by political cartoonists. Putin was drawn as a comic book hero by a man who seemed to be motivated by the question, "What if Superman actually did something constructive for a change, and also wasn't such a pussy?"
The only difference with regular Russian news stories was
The Man of Steel dreams of a Man Who's Real.
When American presidents appear in comics, it's just to hang out with "real" heroes. Russians realize how insulting that is.
This is pretty much Friday night at the Cracked offices
Obama saving a blue-collar worker
Putin Vodkas. Plural.
Russia has a massively popular vodka named after Putin, which would be like Obama releasing a burger that went on to outsell the Big Mac in America. He's just won at Russia. While a political vodka technically violates their separation of church and state, it does show that they've made up for all those communist years by out-capitalizing America.
"Putinka" is actually an affectionate diminutive form of Putin's name, and you'd need at least a bottle of high-end vodka in you before you tried to call Putin "babbums." It's no novelty product either -- it has
American presidents get in trouble when women put them in their mouths.
Even Medvedev has his own vodka, which (predictably)
Available in "Skull," "Bear!" and "So strong you can't look directly at the liquid" versions.
"He Must Be Like Putin"
This is how much Putin they'll settle for.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 5
Like Putin Video Game
Like Putin is the first flash game to feature a politician as anything but a very badly-mocked (and often literal) target. Putin literally leaps out of the headlines to fix things he doesn't like, making this the first video game character less powerful than the real thing, who gets to set headlines before they're printed. Usually by saving reporters from a charging tiger.
In the game he only beats up terrorists with his bare hands.
The Putin Army
She's about to slap him and/because he's not even looking at her.
Asked To Award the MMA European Championship (Instead of Van Damme)
In what we can only take as a direct challenge by Putin to Cracked's resident manliest man, when Jean Claude Van Damme wants to watch mixed martial arts he brings Putin to make it more kickass.
The UFC fighters want to hang out with him too, because even people who take concussions for a living know that choke holds don't work against polonium-210 injections. Fyodor Yemelyanko is widely regarded as the greatest mixed martial artist of all time -- he's won more martial arts awards than China, was undefeated for almost a decade and he says
Notice how Van Damme is thrilled to hang out while Putin wears the tolerating grin of a tired father.
The Convent of St. Putin
Saint Putin. Let that idea sink in. Convent leader Svetlana Frolova has set up a religion based on Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, under the mistaken impression that his name isn't already impressive enough. She believes him to be the reincarnation of St. Paul the Apostle and Grand Prince Vladimir of Rus, founder of the Russian Orthodox church. In 1996 she was jailed for fraud, and in prison turned to religion not because of Christ, but because of Putin. Since describing Putin as an incarnation of kickass is a pretty easy sell, and the same PR strategy he's using, she convinced others to join her in a convent in Bolshoya Yelnya. It's basically a bunch of old ladies who've decided this is the only way they'll be able to get on their knees for services to Putin's manliness at their age, and they're going for it.
It's also the worst possible publicity for Putin. His PR staff already spends 23 hours a day assuring people he's not turning the entire country into a cult, so an actual cult is bad news. Luckily, all of "Mother Fotinya's" followers are extremely old, and one of the religion's rules forbids modern medicine, so it shouldn't be a problem for long. Spokesman
"Blessed sisters, I imagine that it is THIS BIG!"