Ok. Let's get serious here ...
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Heh heh heh heh heh.
Done now? Great. The Russians ...
OK. Seriously, that's all of them.
OK then. The Russians have a real fantastic sense of metaphor, which they've used to create the beautiful phrase "khuem grushi okolachivat," which translated literally means "knocking pears from the tree with one's dick."
"Because fuck that pear, that's why! Officer."
Do you even care what it actually means? Are you willing to walk away now, knowing that phrase totally exists, and enjoy the somehow brighter and sunnier world you live in? Go on; it's a beautiful day outside.
For those completionists out there who absolutely must know what this means, here you go: It's used to refer to someone (a man, I'd hope) who's being lazy, or messing around unproductively.
How This May Have Come to Pass:
Now, at various times in my life, I've been pretty lazy, and at other times I've sexually harassed trees and other bits of woody foliage.
"Officer. You know why I'm here, I'm sure."
But, and I cannot stress this enough, these two eras of my life did not overlap. Knocking fruit from trees with your dick is really hard work. Also turgid work. It's the exact opposite of laziness, not least because so many trees don't make the slightest effort to be sexy.
The only conclusion I can reach is that either Russian penises are substantially more impressive than mine own -- which, given how much we respectively drink, doesn't seem likely -- or that Russian pear trees are absolutely terrible at their jobs.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has littered the Internet with pictures of himself fucking pear trees. Find some on his Facebook page or Twitter feed.