8 Amazing Stories of Ninja Failure

What They Did Right: They came seriously armed--even equipped with bulletproof vests--and again targeted a ninja-appropriate victim: Drug dealers are corrupt, and therefore it’s unlikely that their killers would be sought after with much effort. Plus there’s a lot of profit to be gained from attacking them. Textbook ninja.

No, that's a "Ninja Textbook."

What They Did Wrong: A sternly worded letter? Unless that letter is ‘X’ and it’s slashed into somebody’s face, that is not ninja-approved. A ninja is not a black force that delivers the daily post; you’re thinking of Isaac, the African-American mailman.

"You are truly a mail-delivery force, Isaac!"

Also, “cease impure activities” and “justified yet merciful force”? Are you threatening them or offering to give them an Engrish handjob? I’ve seen more "sternly worded" letters in Reader’s Digest concerning the quality of today’s instant oatmeal.

Geriatrics: Bane of the Ninja!

…who promptly tripped and fell down the stairs. Because he was old and that’s the kind of thing that old people do. The fall accidentally set off his firearm, and Comrade Rising Phoenix immediately did the only thing a Warrior of the Night could do when facing an incapacitated senior citizen: He ran away, hopped on his bicycle and fled to the abandoned barn he was living in. Jesus Christ, dude. You had it! You had the whole ninja persona nailed down … right up until you started running away from the elderly, that whole “living in a barn” thing and, of course, the bicycle. Though it is undoubtedly stealthy, something about the bicycle just does not say “vicious shadow warrior” so much as it does “I care about the Earth” or at least “I have a DUI.”

on 14 separate occasions. The informant who took the restraining order out reported that the man liked to “get high and spy on kids at the Headlands” while “dressed like a ninja.” And that he had grown “increasingly despondent… taken to sitting in front of his television just sharpening his swords.”

Ninja vanish! But Ninja never expect you to vanish... with his heart.

Sure, you can laugh now, but when you take all of these things together it paints a truly tragic picture: Clearly we are dealing with a ninja who lost his job at the Ninjutsu plant and turned (ineptly) to drugs, resorting to exploiting his formerly grand skills to watch teenagers dry-hump while reminiscing about the glory days. Cast Hilary Swank in there, and you’ve got an Oscar winning hard luck story that would melt the iciest heart.

the one on your side.

It's OK, misunderstandings happen to Jackie all the time--he's like the Hugh Grant of martial arts.

What They Did Right: They were equipped in full ninja-gear, suits, hoods and climbing spikes. They did all of their breaking-in at the dead of night and through the rooftops, which is pretty badass, all told. What They Did Wrong: One boy was nearly caught when an officer, responding to a call about a teenager throwing things off the roof of the school, found him and gave chase. The boy “took off at full speed, running to the edge of the building, then jumped off into space,” which is just fucking awesome! That’s how a ninja does it! The effect was lessened slightly when he immediately “hit a tree, and broke branches all the way down to the ground, where he gave out a yelp of pain and then melted away into the night." Props to the officer for dramatic narrative, but it’s not exactly "melting away into the night" when you limp away after slamming into a tree midair, breaking everything on the way down, and then crying when you hit the ground. Also failing at ninjutsu: Starting a MySpace page for your ninja gang. Ninjas don’t advertise, guys. And if they did they’d at least use the more anonymous Craigslist.

What They Did Right: Reports say he was armed with two three-foot long swords, a two-and-a-half foot long machete and a bevy of throwing knives. When police cornered him, he turned and “charged like a maniac” like one would expect a ninja to do. He was also dressed entirely in black nylon, according to reports, adorned with a chain belt and hand blades…

He sounds badass! There's no way the next sentence will ruin this!

What They Did Wrong: …complete with a ponytail sticking straight up. Ponytails will always be the hallmark of the sensitive douchebag. And ninjas are not sensitive; the only emotions a true ninja has are cunning, anger and smokebomb.

"I think we need to talk about our feelin-NO NOT SMOKEBOMB. Dammit, Fred! Why won't you let me in?!"

So, why were the cops after him in the first place? They were serving an eviction notice. What kind of ninja can't avoid being tracked down for an eviction notice? Your landlord shouldn't even know you live there! This is becoming a truly heartbreaking trend: All of our ninjas are unemployed! Where is their stimulus package, Obama? You fucking anti-ninjite.

What They Did Right: Officers say that, in addition to the weaponry already listed, the man also had several grappling hooks and climbing claws on his person. So he was at least prepared. Also, he fired said dart from the shadows of a nearby treetop which, if it had been properly poison-tipped, would have been totally effective. It’s not his fault ninjas have fallen on such hard times and cannot afford effective poisons anymore. Think I’m joking? Police said the man in question had been staying in Lower Manhattan… at a local homeless shelter. Say what you will, but that is a ninja with clearly defined priorities: He didn't usually have rent money, but he always had dart money.

They're in the same boat now, OBAMA.

What They Did Wrong: He made the mistake of tangling with Lafortune--a mistake many make, but few live to regret.

"You dare dart LaFortune?!"

Seriously, you think a guy named Lafortune is just “walking through the park” when he gets attacked by ninjas? No. I buy that you can get attacked by ninjas at random without having nefarious dealings, and I buy that you can be named something as sinister as 'Lafortune' without necessarily being a supervillain, but there is no way in hell you can do both of those things and expect us to believe you don't live in a Volcano. I’m fucking on to you, Lafortune and I– wait, what’s that sound? What? I… n… no, Lafortune please, call off your Soldats de Fortune! I know nothing! I know nooOOOOOO* ... Zere is nothink to zee ‘ere, mes amis. Zis is just another blog of funny. Zee penis, it is long. Move along peacefully, yes?

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You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots but don’t expect more material of this genius caliber; he is but a man!