Geriatrics: Bane of the Ninja!
â¦who promptly tripped and fell down the stairs. Because he was old and thatâs the kind of thing that old people do. The fall accidentally set off his firearm, and Comrade Rising Phoenix immediately did the only thing a Warrior of the Night could do when facing an incapacitated senior citizen: He ran away, hopped on his bicycle and fled to the abandoned barn he was living in.
Jesus Christ, dude.
You had it! You had the whole ninja persona nailed down
â¦ right up until you started running away from the elderly, that whole âliving in a barnâ thing and, of course, the bicycle. Though it is undoubtedly stealthy, something about the bicycle just does not say âvicious shadow warriorâ so much as it does âI care about the Earthâ or at least âI have a DUI.â
A man in Rockport was arrested for drug and weapons possession
after police received a request for a restraining order against him from an anonymous informant. Thatâs a pretty optimistic move â ârequestingâ to restrain a ninja -- seeing as the preferred method is fleeing the country, or at the very least hiring a rogue samurai with a drinking problem and a devil-may-care attitude.
"Wuzzat? No, I don't need no 401k unless that stands for 401 kilometers of... fuckin'... fuck you!"
What They Did Right:
When police entered the Rockport manâs apartment, they found several swords, a bevy of throwing stars, night vision goggles, ammunition, gun powder, homemade mace, a blowgun with darts, nunchucks and a hunting bow.
What They Did Wrong:
Police also found one bag of marijuana, three containers of pot leaves, stems and seeds, grow lights, fertilizer, how-to books for growing weed (hey, you gotta learn somehow), 15 bongs (holy shit! Who needs 15 bongs? Thatâs two for every day of the week with one leftover in case they invent a new one), rolling papers, scraping tools (aw, ninjutsu doesnât pay enough not to smoke resin?) and several dead marijuana plants (time to get a different book). Something about training to be a cunning, agile warrior with keen observation skills and infinite patience, just does not go well with ripping so many bong hits a day that you forgot you had a bong already and had to buy a new one