8 Album Covers That White People Could Never Pull Off

I love the title SLAM DUNK'N HOES. It sounds like something Newt Gingrich would guess if you held a gun to his head and told him to name a rap album. The cover is just as fantastic. It's such a literal interpretation of the title that you'd think it was a Pictionary clue. And could they not find a better picture of $TOP DOG$ than this one of him getting his foot caught in the seat belt on his way to church?

I'm not sure why the HOE's face is blurred out. I know it's not because she watched The Ring, because only white people dare ghosts to kill them. And I know it's not to protect her feelings, since a model whose call sheet says "HOE" and who lets local rappers take pictures up her skirt doesn't have any of those. Looking more closely, it might be to cover up her mustache. Haters will really let you have it if they find out all these hoes you've been dunking were actually Italian transvestites.

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

When a white person puts a whore through a basketball hoop, it's way less whimsical.

You mean aside from everyone's dick basket being less confrontational? Virtually nothing.

I ... shit. I guess it'd look exactly the same.

Dear God, these findings are amazing. I know I don't have to tell you that playas be shrink-rayin', but I was frankly shocked to discover that if you take any hip-hop album and make everyone white, the result is comic book villains. Let me show you what I'm talking about:

Besides shrinking people, they travel by flying playing card, live in ice palaces, grab Earth in their clutches, train attack panthers, fire lasers from their eyes ... I'm starting to worry that the Legion of Doom actually exists and they're only momentarily distracted by rap careers. As soon as they run out of words that rhyme with thong, we're all going to get turned into Bizarros.

When you see black people dressed like this, the positive energy is overwhelming. You know they're about to put on a fantastic show, or at the very least teach someone to read. On the other hand ...

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

When you see white people dressed like this, one of them is about to die on a motorcycle, and the rest are holding a drunk veterinarian at knifepoint until he gives your daughter an abortion.

All of Rudy Ray Moore's album covers are awesome, but this is the only one that isn't half a dozen overweight naked people suspiciously unaware that they're being photographed. I've done the math, and if Dolemite had absolutely no sex life outside the pictures of him boning on his album covers, he'd still qualify as a sex addict. His Filthy Best only looks innocent, though. As any Rudy Ray Moore fan can tell you, that's the face he makes when he realizes the person under him at an orgy dislocated his or her pelvis.

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

That would be ridiculous.

Wow, those bears must be really good rappers if they can afford a taxidermied human.

What if Everyone on the Cover Was White?

Strangely enough, it would be both sexier and more terrifying.