6

Flaregina

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I don't want to be judged unduly here, but I have, on occasion, partaken of the entertainment provided at gentleman's clubs. I have sat in a chair and watched strange boobies jiggling to modern pop hits while I drank grossly overpriced drinks. And once I saw a lady who went above and beyond the call of duty by, for her headlining act, applying a flammable special effects gel to her flower and setting it ablaze with a torch. I want you to really get in the moment with me and imagine this -- a naked woman, with a torch in her hand, lighting her own passage to Venus aflame for my entertainment. It was quite an evening at the theater, let me tell you.

I bring up the flaming vagina story to set the framework for this next tale of incendiary crotches to ease you into it. I don't want you to think this is an isolated incident -- there are flaming vaginas practically falling out of trees around here. Also at soccer games.

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"My vagina is the game. The game is my vagina."

I guess in Russia there's a constant problem with fans smuggling firecrackers into games. Like all the time. All the time women put explosives in their vaginas and go watch a soccer game and then, when it seems like a good idea, they birth their bang-baby and set him ablaze and just toss him at the team they don't like. This is what happened when some lady hooligan blew up the Moscow Dynamo goalkeeper's face by vag-blasting him with a firecracker in the middle of a game.

5

Vagsplosives

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You know that song "Grenade" by Bruno Mars? The original chorus went as follows: "I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)/Throw it right in my vag for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)." Mr. Mars changed the lyrics later when focus groups rejected the notion that anyone would ever put a grenade in their vagina. Well, eat a steaming sack of dicks, focus groups, because I have a story for you.

A woman in El Salvador was visiting a friend in prison when officials discovered that she was bringing more than just good cheer and Salvadoran well-wishing -- she had an M-67 grenade in her mossy doughnut.

M-67 grenades are U.S. military frag grenades that have been in use since the mid-'70s and are not recommended for vaginal use, according to any of the info I could find online. The grenade, and a small amount of weed (because if you're using a vag grenade, you may as well take a calming puff beforehand), were confiscated, and the woman was charged.

4

Bottle of Piss

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3

Rolex

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Once, on a trip to New York, I spent about 15 minutes outside a Greyhound bus station talking to a very enterprising gentleman who went by the name "Q." Q had a variety of convenient wares for the busy bus traveler on the go, such as batteries, towels, pornography, and jewelry. I'd enjoyed a few drinks at this point and discussed business with Q, as well as local weather, ladies, and the police. He eventually talked me into buying a $15 Rolex watch, which seemed like the deal of a lifetime. Q promised he was not bullshitting me and that it was a legit Rolex and he was giving it to me for that awesome price because he liked me and not because it was a terrible, awful scam.

Part of me hoped that Q was being straight up with me, that we had bonded and he wasn't lying. This was a real Rolex. I mean, it had to be stolen, but I was OK with that, because $15 for a stolen Rolex is a great deal. Rolexes cost thousands of dollars. But in the sober light of the next day, it became remarkably clear that this was no kind of Rolex, because I paid $15. It said Rolex and everything, but come on. The watch I bought wasn't even fit for storing in a vagina. Oh, was that a segue? It was!

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2

Balls of Heroin

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How much heroin can you safely store in your vagina? Ladies, take a moment, consult with a friend. Guys, treat this like one of those big jars of jelly beans and just hazard a guess based on your knowledge of the subject at hand. You know how many wieners a vagina can hold (more or less), so how much heroin is that?

Now who guessed 71? Anyone? Because 71 is the answer. Seventy-one balls of heroin in one single vagina. Each ball is about a half gram, so that's a street value of over $2,000 jammed in there just enjoying the humidity and closeness.

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1

The Gungina

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True Romance. The Godfather. Reservoir Dogs. Film criminals are romantic and exciting and wonderful. We cheer for them to evade justice, to be free and unfettered in a world of rules. We find a release in their ability to flout convention and law. They do what we dare not do, and we love them for it. This is the story about a woman with a gun in her vagina.

Christie Harris was arrested after a drug-sniffing dog signaled to her car. A search found meth and a loaded gun. Christie may have been ready to go Thelma and Louise, only without Louise and with meth instead. We may never know. Doesn't matter. What does matter is, once taken to prison, Harris requested to not be searched, as she was getting her monthly visitor. Ha ha, not her parole officer, her period. It is worth noting that prisoners cannot request to not be searched, because that's silly as shit.

An officer yanked down Harris' drawers (which I like to think were homemade from old J cloths and catgut) and noticed something queer afoot. Something ill-placed and somewhat perplexing. The handle of a five-shot revolver, dangling from her cavern of femininity. Christie got a gun.

It's worth noting that, since the gun raised some suspicion, Harris' danker grotto was spelunked and found to contain a couple of bags of meth. So that's fun.

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