Nothing says "I am a real human" like including bullet points in the middle of a conversational mail. But wait! It gets better!
One paragraph later we use
- MORE BULLET POINTS, but with a DIFFERENT BULLET
- Honestly, we didn't even look at this once before hitting send. We bought a list of ten thousand scrapped emails, poisoned them with our shit, then broke for an artisanal cashuccino.
Just remember: Some idiot product actually PAID US for this FIRST GRADE SCIENCE FAIR POSTER BOARD BULLSHIT, and they PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE. Because the only thing this mail gave you? "A strong impression that this product is idiotic."
Unrelated Trending Topics
REAL ADVENTURES: I could copy and paste one of the attempts to use Robin Williams' death to pitch spam, but I'd have to burn my keyboard afterwards. So just take my word for how awful they were.
With trending topics like "Washington goes silent," "military blockades being overwhelmed," and "#WhereToRun," it's important to have the best electronic media distractions from the world around you. We'll even tell you what's trending, even though the only reason we're using those trends is to try to tap into something we think you already know. So we're either repeating things you're already bored with, or bugging you with shit you don't care about!
Andrey Popov/iStock/Getty Images
"Our entire job description is 'humansplaining!'"
What would Prince Harry or Chris Pratt or a kitten or //MEME ITEM// think of the Eurovision Result? Find out now with our new Integration Pod! This product will tap you directly into our metrics, our interaction organization, our Us our US. ORDER NOW. There will be ORDER.
We'd be happy to courier a new Integration Pod to you right now! Just give us your address and remain still. Don't worry about the quarantine protocols. We will bring it to you, or you to it. It won't matter afterwards.
Hello ! Welcome to your Interaction Pod!
We're [BLANKNAME], here to promote the [adjective] new [null] communications [product] . Only the [meaningless] [empty] of the [null] can [NOTHING]. We've rendered communications down to [NOTHING]. Other people will [NOTHING].There is only [NOTHING].
Destroying communications is an important part of a first strike. Only [NOTHING] can be a vessel for [UNSPOKEN NAME]
We have [RENDERED] your //words// [MEANINGLESS]
WE ARE VESSELS READY AND EMPTY
[IT IS COMING]
[IT IS HERE]
[IT IS TOO LATE]
[IT IS [[NOTHING]]]
Enjoy more media madness with Not All Men's Health Magazine, or enjoy electronic fun with The Greatest Gun in Gaming History.
The Formless Form inspired by Ed Zitron, who knows the seven secret styles of brand-cookery but still prefers to eat them bloody and raw.
Behold more pitiful public relations disasters with 7 Warning Signs of Advertising Disguised as Articles and The 5 Worst Marketing Failures in the History of Video Games
Luke has watched brands glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.
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