6

Mulled Wine

I should have known anything named "Warm 'n Cozy" was going to try to fuck me like a slippery hobo hopped up on gas fumes, but here we are, and I have to finish this section. Anyway, to begin with, I would rather have each and every one of you punch me in the mouth than finish this bottle of swill. The smell was something like dirty ditch water with an old jock stuffed with bad fruit nearby. The taste inexplicably trumped this with impunity.

Have you ever taken out the garbage at the peak of summer's heat, yanked a bag from the can in the yard, and discovered that there was a hole in the bag? And from the hole seeped a tepid brew of rancid, fermented hot nasty that pooled in the anaerobic nightmare that exists between bag and can at 100 degrees, creating a putrid dump pruno that could choke a maggot into unconsciousness? That, plus the vague threat of a grape that was once murdered in a Denny's bathroom, is what this shit tasted like. I guess that's what mulling means.

I was not able to finish my cup of this garbage, and barely retained the mouthful I imbibed.

Holiday Spirit: The Ghost of Christmas Past from Scrooged, better known as Buster Poindexter

5

Hot Buttered Rum

4

Hot Buttered Beer

3

Wassail

I had no idea wassail was a drink before doing this. Is it common knowledge? I totally missed it. I'd heard that song about going a-wassailing before, but I just figured it was the kind of gibberish you put into songs when you don't know what else to say, kind of the way Robin Thicke does things.

It turns out that wassail is shit you're supposed to give to carolers. I think back in the day, caroling was just a scam made up by the destitute to get free shit from neighbors. Anyway, my recipe called for a slow cooker, and that meant that I had to hit up the house of a Canadian friend to make use of their kitchen. You'll be excited to note that Canadian kitchens are the same as American ones, only when you open the fridge, no one yells "close the fuckin' fridge, I ain't paying to cool the whole house."

2

Unspiced Eggnog

Nothing says Christmas like eggnog, or so the shelves of eggnog at the store would have us believe. If this stuff were really good, we'd drink it all year. I can't say that I'm a fan, purely because it has the mouth feel of milk that someone put on sugary cereal, drank, held in their mouth for a long while, and then spit back into the carton. I invite you to think of that the next time you have a mouthful of 'nog.

I had to double down on the 'nog this year because I doubled down on rum. I didn't know what kind of rum you're supposed to put in it (my recipe didn't say), so I bought both spiced rum and white rum, just to ensure I maximized my chances at vomiting and/or enjoying my stay in the land of the beaver.

My first go-around was with the white rum. Would Captain Morgan lead me astray? The man was a pirate, and so was Johnny Depp, and he's absolutely charming, so this should have been great. Sadly, by this time in the evening, after consuming what I'm guessing was maybe 10-12 shots worth of booze, plus a can of cider, a beer, and a little pre-article party I'd had, my brain was not on my side any longer, and was getting sloppy. To wit: I neglected to mix my drink. I poured both substances in one cup -- I just didn't mix them. So I had 'nog with a solid layer of rum on top.

1

Spiced Eggnog

The spiced rum I bought was called Kraken, and I bought it solely to say "release the Kraken" as I poured it, which I did, every single time. I recommend you a buy a bottle at your earliest convenience, as not only can you say that, but it was actually good stuff. My spiced rum 'nog was the smoothest drink I'd had all night. A Christmas miracle! It took that eggnog and my ambivalence towards it and said, "Felix, it's time to get funky" in a bit of a Barry White voice. I drank three.

It's octopustastic!

It's safe to say I was pretty drunk at this point. As I write this nearly a day later, I can recall eating Canadian Taco Bell along with my 'nog, watching Maleficent, and thinking this may have been the best night of my life. It wasn't, but it seemed like it at the time.

Holiday spirit: Kumar when he got that Waffle Bot

Putting a Bow on It:

I think it's clear who the winners here are -- you go get yourself some brandy and spiced rum and whip up wassail and 'nog for your friends this Christmas. Wait for someone to mention hot buttered rum, and then bury them in the yard. Those who want mulled wine can be locked in the cellar until their screams grow hoarse and weary.

Merry Christmas to everyone, unless you don't celebrate Christmas, in which case I'm sorry to hear that you hate joy and fun.

For more from Felix, check out 4 (Bad) Reasons You Spend Holidays With Family. And then check out If Classic Holiday Movies Got Gritty Reboots.

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