The courtship process used to be a lot simpler. You used to cruise around in a Firebird and girls would be there, and then there'd be something called heavy petting, and then you were married. The whole process took about three weeks, and could be sped up if the Firebird had been recently washed. The only potentially tricky part was if you had to negotiate a dowry, and that usually wasn't required unless your bride was Indian or incredibly ugly. Since then, things have gotten far more involved. With our cell phones and our STDs and our Craig's lists, the courtship process has become incredibly complicated and dangerous, more filled with dangerous loners and viruses and spyware than ever before. Which brings us to the topic of sexting: the act of sending racy electronic messages back and forth with a partner. Sexting has become a common stepping stone in the progression of many relationships, and due to the challenges of sexting safely and accurately, it's become a killing field for many promising unions. But fortunately for you, Cracked has an obligation to help its readers navigate this sexy new minefield, due to our long standing reputation as the most erotic of children's periodicals. Below I present seven tips I've compiled following lengthy, digitally exhausting research. Helping me with my research was Karen, a 28 year old woman whose sexual adventurousness were highly rated by the restroom wall on which I found her phone number.
I the undersigned, agree to have my world rocked via electronically transmitted messages......but that might dampen the mood you were hoping to establish. There are more reasonable ways to test the waters, as described below:
Karen: That looks an awful lot like a file photo. Bucholz: Thank you for implying that I'm always camera ready Karen. But I shall prove it to you harder. Pick a number between one and four, then tell it to me. Karen: Ok. Three. Bucholz: Here's a pic of me holding up exactly that many fingers. FILE ATTACHED-selfportraitpicv2.jpg
"Wangprong? Really? That's worse than Fuckcudgel."
Karen: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAAAHAHA. Bucholz: Was that "hahaha" as in "Ooh, I want to get hot all over you" or "hahaha" as in "hahaha?" Karen: LOL. The second one. Bucholz: Would it help if I did another one with a smaller cravat? Karen: It might Bucholz: FILE ATTACHED-cravatfuntimepic2.jpg
"Ellen, what you and your husband do in the privacy of your own... f**k swing... is your own business. But the entire East Coast distribution list doesn't need to know about it."
This should have resulted in years of therapy.
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.