6

Diddy's Closet Is Actually not That Impressive

Finally inside Diddy's house, I paused to admire the surroundings. The front entry hall was crisp and modern; very Diddy. Lining the walls of the hall were pictures of Diddy meeting various peers and dignitaries. An old one of him messing around with Biggie Smalls. Posing with Aretha Franklin in a studio. Riding a tandem bicycle with Jay-Z.

As I moved further into the house, I realized what I wanted to do most: go check out Diddy's famous wardrobe. It turned out to be incredibly, impossibly disappointing. It would seem that Diddy's famous sense of style is probably the result of hard work by stylists who keep all his clothes off-site, because his actual wardrobe is way smaller than you'd imagine. Just a single chest of drawers in one of his bedrooms. No walk-in anythings, or fancy labels, or even a mirror. He had one drawer full of Wranglers ...

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They were the blue kind.

... and one drawer full of Dockers khakis. Half of his shirt drawer was full of rumpled button-downs that really should have been hanging up. The other half was full of T-shirts from software conferences. I guess Diddy did some FoxPro programming in his past? Or just likes baggy, tarplike garments?

5

There Are Tons of Bodybuilding Magazines Everywhere

One thing that surprised me was the enormous amount of bodybuilding magazines Diddy has lying around. Everywhere I looked, I was presented with advice on the latest lat-shredding techniques offered up by pictures of wild-eyed He-Man-looking dudes.

Like this, but with smaller pants.

4

He Has a Gimp

In one of the rooms on the lower level of Diddy's home, I found a trunk. Because how do you not open a trunk? I opened the trunk, and found a leather-clad man wearing a ball gag, which was just stunning.

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Probably the most expensive garment I saw in the house; I think it was a Versace.

He seemed a little stunned by the light at first, and it took him a few minutes to rehinge all his joints and rise up to a standing position. But once he was up, I couldn't help but notice that he was entirely unsurprised by my presence.

"MmM. Mmm MMm MmmmM MM mm mmMMmmm mm m mmFM mmf?" he asked, which I'm pretty sure meant "Hey. Are you just breaking in and hanging out for a bit?"

"Yeah, just for a bit. I'm from Cracked," I explained.

"Mm, mmm. MMM MM mm mmms." (Hey, cool. I love you guys.)

"Awesome, thanks."

"Mmm Mmmmm mmmfm mm mmm MM mm mmMM?" (Is Soren really as pretty in real life?)

"No, not really."

The gimp nodded, and after a kind of awkward moment, I helped him back into the trunk and closed the lid.

I guess you wouldn't expect P. Diddy to have anything but the coolest, most reasonable gimp, but still: I was impressed.

3

Diddy's a Bit of a Hoarder

Diddy clearly has at least some help cleaning the place -- to judge by the person cleaning the place who waved at me as I prowled about -- but it still felt surprisingly cluttered.

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Old computer equipment, boxes of old Wranglers, unfashionable lawn ornaments, more bodybuilding magazines; all signs that Diddy was someone who had a hard time throwing things away.

2

Underneath His House, Diddy Has Painstakingly Recreated the Set of The Goonies

Through a trap door in the basement, I found myself in a massive, impossible cavern. Grabbing a convenient lantern, I delved farther into the caves, sidestepping waterfalls and crumbling ledges and booby traps as I went. But even to my untrained eye, it was clear that these caves weren't natural. Chisel and blasting marks scarred the walls, and the entire length of the "natural" water slide was clearly poured concrete. Diddy had made this place, hollowed it out of the earth himself, apparently so he could re-enact that beloved '80s tale of friendship and adventure, The Goonies.

I guess he re-enacts it with the gimps?

Knowing what I was dealing with, I was able to pick my way through the rest of the labyrinth and booby traps with ease, eager to see the prize at the end; recall the conclusion of the film, where the kids find a hidden pirate ship filled with treasure that they use to save their parents' crappy homes. Wanting to see how Diddy had recreated this, I clambered onto the deck of the replica ship and eagerly made my way inside. Where I found more bodybuilding magazines.

1

P. Diddy Is a Total Class Act

The man himself showed up a couple of hours after I arrived. I don't think anyone warned him or anything, or that he was rushing back to confront me; he had some groceries with him. But he was not in the slightest bit alarmed to see me there in his house, and even sat me down while he made some of his famous milkshakes.