written and performed by death row inmates. And speaking of, Trapped in the Closet
is the last thing the criminally insane see when they're strapped to a lethal injection machine.
Lately, R. Kelly has been obsessed with
. Real Talk
seems to mostly be about different ways to convince your bitch that she's a bitch, but Real Talk
is like Alzheimer's Disease. We won't know what Real Talk
is for sure until scientists are able to slice directly into R. Kelly's brain tissue.
R. Kelly is so messed up when he's not singing that he can't even be near a teen girl without peeing on it.
All societies live by one simple rule: Calling yourself "extreme" is fine if you're wheeling down some kind of ramp, but if you're just a trail mix or a Cheeto, fuck you
. Real Talk.
There isn't a product or service in the entire world that hasn't at one time been combined with sex.
Everything else on this list
... bail bonds
... farting on pudding
... domain name registration
. When you try to mix sex with every one of your stupid little hobbies, all you do is make the Internet a more disgusting place. Your private parts are wired so that sex shouldn't require a trunk of props to work properly. If you need a bowl of pudding and irritable bowl syndrome to bring yourself to climax, you should stop sleeping with ugly people you hate.
You know when you've had the house to yourself all day and you're trying to masturbate for the sixth time? Even if you're not physically rubbing on a medical emergency, it's still hard to make it happen because you've exhausted your imagination's capacity to care. That's when you have to start digging around in the dark reaches of your brain for a fetish. There's an easy way to self-diagnose how bad this has become. Next time you're watching pornography, count the number of anythings that aren't two people having sex. Now, that's how many times
you should masturbate per day. And when I say "anythings" I mean anythings. So if one of the people doing the sex requires
an additional word to describe them such as "elderly" or "peeing," that counts as an anything.
Sex should be sex and everything else shouldn't. If you're so tired of sushi that you have to eat it off a naked woman, try a different restaurant. All you're doing is wasting a naked woman and ruining fish. I'm no economist, but if some poor girl is willing to let you cover her in fish and paw at her, she'll definitely share a pizza with you and screw for $50 and a trait in common with her father.
Maybe the human mind was prepared to deal with the modern ubiquity of sex. Today alone I heard over eight conflicting theories on how to prolong orgasm, and not just from the pudding-covered women I was apologizing to. For instance, we've all heard that you can fight it off by thinking about baseball or something disgusting. Except it never quite works the way it's supposed to, so now you've got a teen pregnancy and a direct psychological link between your orgasms and Cecil Fielder. You do this too many times, and pretty soon you won't be able to get off unless your partner is standing on first base and filled with 35 hot dogs. Real Talk.
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